Lucky Heart, Poor Soul...

"To truly experience love, you'll have to set it free or be prepared to lose it...
For if it comes back to you, it's yours;
But if it doesn't, it never was..."


How would you feel if you were told the following?

That to finally execute a plan which is something that was agreed upon after numerous effort of talks & negotiation, you’d need to instead fulfil some conditions which you clearly know is absurd?

That if these conditions are not met then it would be “Plan B”, which also comes with ridiculous terms which involves parting with (a huge chunk, like, 3/4 of) your savings & doing what you would not sincerely be faithful to?

That even having gone through this part of the ordeal, the other party still insists on coercing you to forget about both the plans & forget that everything has ever taken place, resume to the "normal" life, but of course: terms & conditions apply?


(It’s ok to go: "W.T.F., you live with the Devil who tricks you with fine print in the contract or what?" because I feel the same)...


Is it my fault that the warmth & care does not add up to the hostile & fervent questioning, acussations & suspicious actions, causing the sensation of restricted movements & oppressive nature of a relationship?


Would it be my problem if the resentment level is at an all-time high due to the fact that the only emotions that can be described is beyond sadness, pity or even are just downright repulsive?


Am I to be blamed that eventhough the fact that I am no longer physically fit to be part of such a roller coaster, that has not in any way deterred the abusive & judgemental ways of dealing with issues but instead has upped the level of difficulties for this 3/4-working heart of mine?


Would it be wrong to have found bliss & comfort in someone who cares & is concerned enough to even ask to keep half of my medication in her handbag, for me, just in case I may need it in an emergency, due to the constant stress, challenges & difficulties I so face on a daily basis?


Thanks to the constant obsessive compulsive behaviour, the feeling of being pushed against the wall or having the head forcefully pressed into the water as desperate attempts to stay afloat to just breathe cannot be denied or withheld any longer.

It has gone to the extend of desperate calls for help to even stay alive.


Well, it maybe another weakened weekend around the corner, but this is the weekend of all weekends.

Hearts will be crushed, lives will change, minds may be lost.

But the only thing I hope to keep intact is my soul.