1+1=3?

"Dreams are answers to questions which we haven’t yet figured out how to ask..."


As we descend into slower respiratory rates especially in the state of what others would know as “sleep”, our body will find its way to rest itself; cells regenerate, blood count multiplies, skin will shed to provide a new layer of protection and our most mystical organ of all – the brain – as it tries to recuperate from the bantering & bashing of the day, takes us on journeys which we may never experience in full flesh.

This process is often called “dream”.
I have posted countless entries in here to conjure up boredom.
So too about hopes, wishes & expectations.

But what you are about to find here today could be the very result of all that has been going on in my tireless mind, my seemingly unending quest for that “Holy Grail” of love & life itself, which hurts so bad, it exceeds even the examples of the moments where I have had my share of the highest level of pain & aches or my tolerance of these.


Sure.
I have dreams which I know I can fulfil.
In fact, I have had a bunch of things I can be proud of.
Not because I have set the bar too low (it is after all, me we’re talking about!), but because I have the mental visualization of its realisation.
Because I know that the road to take is not simple, the sacrifices incurred would not be small and I am willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
In so many aspects of my fulfilling life, I feel that there should be nothing which can put out the fire in me; especially if the dream is a worthwhile goal & I am able to control any sets of circumstances or situations I am in, no matter how absurd or adverse they may appear.
It’s been said that my tenacity, complemented with my intelligence, aptitude & charisma, there should be nothing which could hold me back.

I dare say that I shouldn’t be seen as pretentious or boastful to mention that I have my blocks of effort rewarded & I have the results to show for.


But this time, it’s different.

Totally...

For once in my waking memory, I feel absolutely out of control.
The very fact that I am not able to, or bring myself to, attempt to manipulate this set of circumstances & situation with just my capabilities & my 165 somehow puts me at a standstill.
Never had I felt such stagnancy, even though at times, things may appear to progress well.
Because of the simple truth that nobody, not even I, could gauge if the light at the end of the tunnel is meant for me.
That for the very simple reason as to say if it’s my "right" to claim it, I believe nobody could figure that out as well.
Not even the key players in this game, a game that has already taken its toll on my ailing mental & physical being, can paint a picture in my mind of what sort of a scenario would I logically say I could expect.


Insecure or unsure as I may seem, I do have my limitations.
In other issues, if things look bleak, I may just know how to turn them around to gain the upper hand & grab the advantage.
For I believe winning a battle is nothing if it means losing the war.
And my ability to fully utilise & maximise my resources is legendary among my circle of acquaintance.


However, this issue is different.
It tugs on very strongly in my 3/4 working heart.
It has been evident that even I can make bad judgements when it comes to issues as these.


But then, really, are the things I hold on to seriously that futile that at the end of the day, it would only cause more suffering & pain?
When all's lost, would the smiles & comfort experienced today only be something to feed my memories with?
Am I really throwing myself into the unending well of despair, eventhough the sensations & emotions flying around today seem so promising of a brighter & happier future?
When the curtains are finally drawn, would I walk out of this stage alone; bruised, bloody & fatigued?


Insecure?
You bet.