"To truly experience love, you'll have to set it free or be prepared to lose it...
For if it comes back to you, it's yours;
But if it doesn't, it never was..."
How would you feel if you were told the following?
That to finally execute a plan which is something that was agreed upon after numerous effort of talks & negotiation, you’d need to instead fulfil some conditions which you clearly know is absurd?
That if these conditions are not met then it would be “Plan B”, which also comes with ridiculous terms which involves parting with (a huge chunk, like, 3/4 of) your savings & doing what you would not sincerely be faithful to?
That even having gone through this part of the ordeal, the other party still insists on coercing you to forget about both the plans & forget that everything has ever taken place, resume to the "normal" life, but of course: terms & conditions apply?
(It’s ok to go: "W.T.F., you live with the Devil who tricks you with fine print in the contract or what?" because I feel the same)...
Is it my fault that the warmth & care does not add up to the hostile & fervent questioning, acussations & suspicious actions, causing the sensation of restricted movements & oppressive nature of a relationship?
Would it be my problem if the resentment level is at an all-time high due to the fact that the only emotions that can be described is beyond sadness, pity or even are just downright repulsive?
Am I to be blamed that eventhough the fact that I am no longer physically fit to be part of such a roller coaster, that has not in any way deterred the abusive & judgemental ways of dealing with issues but instead has upped the level of difficulties for this 3/4-working heart of mine?
Would it be wrong to have found bliss & comfort in someone who cares & is concerned enough to even ask to keep half of my medication in her handbag, for me, just in case I may need it in an emergency, due to the constant stress, challenges & difficulties I so face on a daily basis?
Thanks to the constant obsessive compulsive behaviour, the feeling of being pushed against the wall or having the head forcefully pressed into the water as desperate attempts to stay afloat to just breathe cannot be denied or withheld any longer.
It has gone to the extend of desperate calls for help to even stay alive.
Well, it maybe another weakened weekend around the corner, but this is the weekend of all weekends.
Hearts will be crushed, lives will change, minds may be lost.
But the only thing I hope to keep intact is my soul.
Friday, July 3, 2009
"Forever Love"
Artist : Gary Barlow
Love, it has so many beautiful faces
Sharing lives and sharing days
My love it had so many empty spaces
I'm sharing a memory now
I hope that's how it stays
Now I'm deep inside love and still breathing
She is holding my heart in her hand
I'm the closest I've been to believing
This could be love forever
All throughout my life
The reasons I've demanded
But how can I reason
With the reason I'm a man
In a minute I'm needing to hold her
In an hour I'm cold, cold as stone
When she leaves it gets harder and harder
To face life alone
Now my dreams are filled
With times when we're together
Guess what I need from her
Is forever love
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Forgive? Forget?
"Maybe...the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches..."
But do we get to choose what we let go or what we don’t?
If our minds come in partitions (like my laptop which just recently crashed, resulting in my “unplanned” spending of over 1K on a couple of hard disks, since they are new, I was advised to create Drives C &D), it would be easier for us to choose “Format” in the options given.
How often do we hear the phrase “To forgive & forget”?
Do we really forgive?
Can we really forget?
I personally feel that there is not a sin in this world nor a crime which can be committed that cannot be forgiven.
For I truly know that the ultimate salvation, forgiveness, punishment or reprisal should come from the Big Boss alone.
And since He gave us a sensory perceptional ability called “memory”, He either wants us to remember the things we’re set out to achieve in order to attain greater heights & be in His liking; or He wants us to remember the values which makes our lives meaningful so we will understand that He put us all here for a reason.
Whatever this “gift” is for, it has been sort of like a curse to me.
That is not to say I don’t forget things, I just happen to remember even the most painful of words, actions or deeds.
How nice if we can just delete certain things in our minds & just move on?
Wouldn’t it be great if we can just avoid a certain person in a situation hoping they too would forget?
Or would it seriously need a level of brain damage or injury to the head to induce amnesia to truly ever live happily ever after?
Maybe the biggest lesson I have learned over these past few days is to learn to let go.
Not everything, after all, I am convinced & I have been constantly reminded that certain people who would do anything to assist me in this troubled times, even sharing living space.
And then there is the Angel who would even give up parts of her life to see me in a different state of mind.
For this reason alone, I shall, in the words of the Angel: “Walk with pride and passion, and live as a new person!”
The reason is simple: Circumstance is such that a decision has had to be made. No matter how difficult it is to do so, it happens for a reason. And to go back against that decision would cause more hurt & pain.
If the Boss would have an ultimate reason for such a matter to take place, I am sure He will guide us through it.
For never would He give us something we can’t handle.
We may come out of it battered & bruised, but He will ensure we will still walk out of it alive.
That’s the word.
The least we could do is firstly, walk out.
I may not be looking forward to the brightest future, but I am willing to wait more than a few more 12 years for at least a happy one.
If there is still one.
But do we get to choose what we let go or what we don’t?
If our minds come in partitions (like my laptop which just recently crashed, resulting in my “unplanned” spending of over 1K on a couple of hard disks, since they are new, I was advised to create Drives C &D), it would be easier for us to choose “Format” in the options given.
How often do we hear the phrase “To forgive & forget”?
Do we really forgive?
Can we really forget?
I personally feel that there is not a sin in this world nor a crime which can be committed that cannot be forgiven.
For I truly know that the ultimate salvation, forgiveness, punishment or reprisal should come from the Big Boss alone.
And since He gave us a sensory perceptional ability called “memory”, He either wants us to remember the things we’re set out to achieve in order to attain greater heights & be in His liking; or He wants us to remember the values which makes our lives meaningful so we will understand that He put us all here for a reason.
Whatever this “gift” is for, it has been sort of like a curse to me.
That is not to say I don’t forget things, I just happen to remember even the most painful of words, actions or deeds.
How nice if we can just delete certain things in our minds & just move on?
Wouldn’t it be great if we can just avoid a certain person in a situation hoping they too would forget?
Or would it seriously need a level of brain damage or injury to the head to induce amnesia to truly ever live happily ever after?
Maybe the biggest lesson I have learned over these past few days is to learn to let go.
Not everything, after all, I am convinced & I have been constantly reminded that certain people who would do anything to assist me in this troubled times, even sharing living space.
And then there is the Angel who would even give up parts of her life to see me in a different state of mind.
For this reason alone, I shall, in the words of the Angel: “Walk with pride and passion, and live as a new person!”
The reason is simple: Circumstance is such that a decision has had to be made. No matter how difficult it is to do so, it happens for a reason. And to go back against that decision would cause more hurt & pain.
If the Boss would have an ultimate reason for such a matter to take place, I am sure He will guide us through it.
For never would He give us something we can’t handle.
We may come out of it battered & bruised, but He will ensure we will still walk out of it alive.
That’s the word.
The least we could do is firstly, walk out.
I may not be looking forward to the brightest future, but I am willing to wait more than a few more 12 years for at least a happy one.
If there is still one.
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