Half Full, Half Empty?

"Instead of looking at what we have lost, why not look at what we have left..."


In our daily lives, we are often caught with situations where we are challenged to do better than we have done before.
While most of us are led into the complacency of our beings, some of us accept this challenge as a means to improve ourselves.

Be it getting to office a little earlier just to make yourself feel good, or getting more done in the same amount of time compared to yesterday or even being able to accomplish more of the goals you’ve set out to achieve this year compared to last.

We are just made to improve ourselves.
It’s been this that has maintained the ecological balance of evolution.


In our relationship with others, as we get to know someone better, over time, we would be emotionally attached to that somebody.
The relationship would evolve, so to speak.
Especially when there have been instances when these 2 people have gone through some challenges together & are now even bonded stronger than before.

Expectations would arise.
Hearts would skip beats.

After all, we’re only human.


But what if, time just stopped & things that have happened in between create a rift between these 2 individuals, and worse still, they are now back to square 1?


So how now, brown cow?


Should they look at what they have gone through & put in the effort to rekindle what was lost?

Should they forget what has happened, start afresh, as though they have never met before & be "new" friends all over again, as though things are like with a computer, hard disk formatted & start anew – if this is even possible?

Perhaps they should just let things happen "naturally", good or bad, slowly drift apart & probably this would be the only painless straw to pull which inevitably leads to separation?

Or they should just give up any hopes & draw a line, in order to save up on the pain, anxiety & misery?


A dear friend keeps reminding me that "the glass is half full, Steve..." & not to dwell too much on the empty.

It is no doubt a difficult thing to do, but if it’s worth it, it has to be done.

As long as I can, I hope.
There you go; that "H" word again.

Ok, we’ll see.

Divided Mind, Tormented Soul

"H.O.P.E. is not just another 4-lettered word; it is the nourishment for life & love..."


There are times in our lives when we are going through some hardship, we do what’s necessary to overcome them, putting in all our attention, strength & determination to pull through because we can somehow be assured or have a slight sense of security that these will come to pass.

There also could have been times that we would have to deal with some form of "pain" in our lives, for example: the visit to the dentist, which would usually mean an experience to remember for a long time. One of my best Counsellors just had her "wisdom" removed. Not much effect on her making wise decisions, though, or being intellectual enough to ease others’ sufferings, but to her, this pain will end. It’s the hopes of things turning better which has kept her from throwing in the towel.

Or would this example be more effective in describing what I am trying to say?

Imagine with me for a while:
One day, you chanced upon a valuable item, a jewel, a gem of some sort.
Very rare, so rare that it could be said to be priceless & glorious beyond your wildest comprehension.
You have grown to be so emotionally attached to it that you would do anything in this world to protect it from harm.
But due to some unavoidable circumstances, and as they say that life would take you places if not home, you had to part with it, no matter how involuntarily.

While you’re away, another person managed to find it, took care of it to his best ability at that moment and in the same time has been accepted by everyone that he shall now be the rightful & lawful companion of this gem.

Needless to say, the memories of the days you have had still tug at your heart.

Until one day, you are fortunate enough to find it again, albeit in another person’s possession.
To see its colour fade, the clarity clouded & the shine beginning to show it’s lacklustre, you decide that no matter what, you would do as your heart tells you to: earn a chance to defend its sanctity & provide for it whatever it takes for it to return to its days of glory.

To the extent that you would make sacrifices which nobody would comprehend.
Yes, it was that powerful.

You managed to do so, and the person acknowledges you may have done a better job in this short period whilst he could only wish to be able to do for such a long time.
The fact is, you seem to complement each other, complete each other & fulfil each other in so many ways, it’s unimaginable.

But as they say, you’ll never know what happens tomorrow.

As you have already put in all your heart, soul & might into the effort of ensuring the future you would share with this piece of love of your life is blissful & happy, you cannot avoid the mistakes of your past coming back to haunt you.
It is at this moment when you are most vulnerable, you lose it again.

The previous guy finds out that he may have another shot & you somehow have to deal with the fact that you are after all, the loser which was meant to be.
For eventhough you may keep telling yourself to fix the haunting, you know that things have indeed changed.
And there really is no telling if it’ll ever be the same again.
Despondency, sadness & lost of hope creep in.
Because simply, to try hard in wrestling it away would mean to force for certain things to happen, however, by not doing anything, you could no longer be able to tell if there really should be hope in the first place.

You cannot forgive yourself.
For such a long time, the only thing you would want which you believe would complete your life was to be reunited with this precious jewel.
You had it, but you blew it.

You feel like being left alone in the tunnel.
There could only be left or right.
Not much of a choice, but you have still gotta make either one.

The hurt deepens.
For there was once light at the end of the tunnel.
It has somehow disappeared when you fumbled.

Then the flood gates open.
You are now nose-deep underwater, you struggle to stay afloat.
All you’ve ever wanted was to earn that trust back to protect what it was that you once lost.
The more you struggle, the more you feel like giving up.
The more you try, the further it drifts away from you.

Your sacrifices would mean you have burnt all bridges.
There is nothing to go back to.
Your world has stopped spinning when the flood gates opened, pouring millions of gallons of water from both ends of the tunnel.

You wouldn’t know if the light will ever shine for you again.
As far as you can tell, it is already given up from the events that have taken place.
No hope?
Maybe.


So now do you understand?
Or would it be easier for you to do so if you were to substitute the words "gem" and "jewel" with a person?

And the tunnel?
My life.

The Month-Long Drama

"Never part without loving words to remember you with during your absence.
It may be fated that in this life you will never meet again..."


I am glad that my last entry almost a month ago was of a good, meaningful & memorable account.

For if fate has its way that we do not meet again, then that very last entry - if not of positive content - would be the way I would eternally be remembered; sad, bitter, negative & emotional...

It’s been a while since I last posted an entry.
And what a while it has been.

Many events took place, many things happened, many words were traded, many sleepless nights endured, many tiresome hours beaten up standing, many ups & down experienced, many good things to remember and of course, many things I would have wished did not turn out the way they did.

For it was also during this time that I did the most thinking.
No words could describe the pictures in my mind when my synapses connect.
Especially when loneliness creeps in & the silence is so deafening, you can actually hear your mind work.

Just so you would know, things that we would hear during periods like these, especially during the lowest point of our lives, could be as frightening as they could be enlightening...


All in all, I survived.

The ordeal of the experience of potentially losing the world.
The pain of having endured endless cold days & nights.
The sorrow of regret.
Losing my soul.


I would never be able to forget; the doctor’s verdict, the anguish of the truth, the honesty of heart, the moment the door slammed, the dumbfounded moment where I could not move a muscle, the sensation of standing at the edge of the window, the visions of what has happened in life playing in Technicolor, the SOS call to the counsellor, the sorrow of making choices, the delivery of penitence, the fall down the stairs, the glimmer of hope from the tail lights, the feeling of being in limbo...


I once wondered if the weather is tied to our feelings or moods or emotions, just like in the movies...

If it is, I can’t wait for the director to yell "Cut!"

Coz in this "movie" of mine where the script is non-existent, I have run out of lines.


I do wish to walk out of the set alive.
I know for a fact my heart would never be the same.
I can only guess if my mind is still sane.

But what I can’t afford to lose is my soul.
That is, if I have not lost it yet.

Have I?