Stephen Fah

Fah: The Perfect Asshole...

2010-10-13T11:52:00.000+08:00

"I may be an asshole, but that doesn’t mean I am always in the wrong. Think about it..."

As I posted elsewhere, somewhere sometime ago; I have been described in many ways.

Among them: arrogant & egoistic.
Narcissistic.
Know this word? Tsk... look it up.

Yes.
I admit.
I take pride in my work, my achievements, my failures & eventual successes.
I am proud & I keep my head held high because I am a man of principles.
There are just so many things I would not do.

No compromise.
Non-negotiable.

Period.

Yes, I start off most of my sentences with the letter "I".
In many things I choose to do, if they involves others, I would not do less than the best.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t be bothered to get involved.

I am proud & I soak in all the attention every time glory is attained.
But that does not mean I don’t recognise a good job well done by others.
Just that it is sickening that a good job well done is so normally expected of me, they usually go unappreciated.

I used to achieve so much when my priorities are in place.
I used to be able to avoid conflict because I have my priorities set very clearly;

1. God
2. Family
3. Career
4. Friends
5. Hobbies

But lately, I have slackened.

I chose to do what was interesting, what seemed fulfilling & fun.
I spent most of my life with people whom I felt would take commitment seriously & take me as priority as well.

And then, as time went by, as we got to know each other better, it wasn’t so fun anymore.
Nothing is interesting ever again.
Commitment is as & when the feel-good-factor is around...
And it is just not as fulfilling as it used to be.

But the one that pulls the trigger is the one who chooses to judge & tells me I am wrong even before they know the whole story.
Come on lah, I can't be wrong all the time?
Nobody's perfect.
So how can I be the perfect asshole? :/

Ah well, it doesn't matter anymore.

Now, I will need to realign my priorities.
Really go back to the principles I once had.
Spend more of my energy in the things which will last and people whom matter most.

And the new job.
So exciting!
Totally! :D

It is about time I stop listening to those who tell me that I will have to put up with all these because of who I am.
Instead, it is time they accept who I have become because of the things I have put up with.

Enough is enough.

Kthanksbye… :)

D.E.C.I.D.E.

2010-09-01T00:17:00.002+08:00

"What you are today is the direct result of the choices you made yesterday..."

Some people are just like that.

They whine, sulk, bitch about stuff which are happening to them, on them or around them.

What they fail to realize is: That whatever circumstances you are in, you chose to be in them yourself.

If you don't like the way things are, walk away.
Simple.
But how many of us can do that?

Some of the people I know like to make the best of a coffee break making the coffee more bitter.
Their jobs, their families, their health condition, their neighbours, their children, etc... (the list goes on, OMG you won't believe the things people complain about...)

To these folks, I tell them: Change.
Firstly, the circumstances of the things you can.
Otherwise, change your attitude towards the things you can't...

Imagine, one fella coming to you & complain that he has got rashes all the time.
He hates how his skin is, and lately, he found out that he has lice.
He is also not gonna be surprised if the dermatologist would to tell him he has got living parasites sucking the bloody daylight out of him.
We would think that the natural question is: "What are your sentiments on personal hygiene?"

And he may just answer: "Well, I do shower once a week & my shower cream is the expensive type-lah!"

Get my point?

We always see things that happen to us as "something that befalls upon us".

Let me tell you now.
That if you're tired of the condition you live in, change it.
If you are disappointed with the way things happen around you, change your surroundings where you can be in a position to make things happen.
If you feel that the parasites take too much of your blood, scrub harder.

I seriously want to know who came up with the abbreviations "F.M.L.".
I would want to know if he or she really meant it.

After all, the secret to true happiness lies within out decisions.

Remember:
D - Don't
E - Ever
C - Complain,
I - It
D - Disgusts
E - Everybody

Have a great September.

The FAH is back...^^

2010-08-30T20:44:00.002+08:00

"If it is to be, it is up to me..."

Yes, I am back.
And I will make a conscious effort to stay positive! Hahaha!!!

I have been described in many ways - most recently as I enter into the "Prime of My Life", the most often heard were that I am multi-talented, wittingly-intelligent, highly-capable, infamously-confident, and the usual of late; that I am blessed with a set of charismatic leadership skills.

Let me assure you - if they are valid description of me - that all these are not without the normal notoriety... ;)
But let's be honest, modesty is definitely NOT one of them! :D

These past months (in fact, years) of my career at the "Safari", I have often been imprisoned by my own intellect.

I felt that my bosses do not know how to appreciate the package in which I come.
It seemed that they are so dumb, that they did not know how to position me for maximum potential.

I strongly felt that I was undermined & under-utilized.
I began to think that they do not respect my decisions & will never be contend with my contribution and thus, I will never get what I want.

I was rebellious, I complained, I made sure people in the workplace heard my complaints, I went to the extend of almost being labelled "anti-organization", short of only being sidelined even for a staff of my post with managerial authority.

Then somehow, the fact of the matter sunk into me.
Suddenly I started realizing with a lot of shock: It was not so much as to my bosses being unappreciative of what I am or what I could achieve.

It was me all along, I have failed to use all the strength I possessed to come out with the best results.

I have overlooked my own potential & did not put in the right amount of positivity to maximize on my best qualities to give what my bosses had expected of me.

What a shoe in the head!

A couple of weeks back, I made a decision.
That I shall from now on, put these God-given qualities to good use.
Even in the "Safari", even if my days here are numbered, I would want to be remembered with all the adjectives which preceded all these paragraphs of this entry.

My only hope is that it is not too late.
But then again, even if it is, I would know that the Stephen Fah who was meant to be is still around.

As we enter into the Anniversary of the Nation's Independence, I wish that all efforts, minds & souls be liberated as well.

So, stay positive & Go For It!
I'll see you at the TOP!

Happy Merdeka, folks.
Stay out of trouble :)

2010-03-24T10:29:00.001+08:00

Complicated Mind...

2009-10-22T14:32:00.002+08:00

"How easy it would be if we could just simplify the mind of a complicated person..."

These week has been very eventful.
In fact, it’s been one of the most colourful moments I’ve had in a long time.
But as faced-paced as it may have seemed to be, there were of course a few important moments which I seriously feel would make a difference.

It’s been a moment of discovery.
For the answers which I have been searching for, of course, not all are fruitful as I have intended.

But in the process of asking the questions, I have learned that not all of them needed to be answered.

And in the end, I realised that the facts have been laid out in front of my very own eyes all these while.

It’s also a moment of comfort.
For the feeling of being insecure are addressed somehow, that it was really unwarranted & things should be taken a step at a time.

But unless issues are ironed out & words are traded, there will never be an avenue for an understanding.

And I realised, that no matter how many times certain words could be repeated, they would still not mean a thing if they don’t come from the heart.

It’s a moment of recognition, nonetheless.
For out of the many automobile car clubs, the Sakura Stallionz were invited to one of the biggest gathering of motoring enthusiasts which provided the platform for the team to grow.

But still, as usual, things did not always happen as we have expected them to, resulting in certain levels of frustrations no thanks to the inability to meet certain objectives.

And then it occurs to me that perhaps, the only way to truly enjoy the limelight as a leader of the team & to ensure the sentiments of the members are contained, I would have to forgo my perception of perfection & allow the remnants of the events to be as memorable as possible.

It’s a moment of deliverance as well.
For it has been some time since I last walked a whole complex on my own & I must admit, it really feels liberating as for once, I did not have to look left or right or ask if there’s anything else we may have left out. Not to say I don’t enjoy doing these, but just to strengthen the conviction that there is just enough company when you’re alone.

But then, barely half a movie into the 2-movie marathon, my thoughts were automatically transported away, bits by bits, pieces by pieces just as how the plot of the movie gets thicker.

And I end up not being able to stop myself from actually buying stuff for her instead of my earier intention to pamper myself through retail therapy.

It’s a moment of unlimited connectivity.
For the Batcave is finally broadband-ready, many thanks to Robyn who, in the first place; took the set of internet connection application form from the management office, sent an enquiry email to the service providing company for them to contact me, inspired me to finally fill out the form, waited with me while the bunch of installation contractors were doing their work at the Batcave, purchased a wifi router at an exceptionally good price & even assigned the very best IT Whiz-kid on the block to come over to the Batcave just moments before midnight to configure the wifi settings so that I could go online that night itself.

But I have had my doubts, for despite the "freedom of connection", I was worried that "physical time" would be lost.

And I had to ask the stupid question, if that would happen.
Of course, I wouldn’t say I know what sort of reply to expect or whether I liked what I heard, but somehow; I guess I should have known better that the answer would have been just that.

It’s also been a moment of reflection.
For out of my mom’s 5 brothers, 4 have had one form of experience with cardiovascular disease, the latest being our Uncle James who is now recuperating in ICU from a triple-bypass performed on him yesterday. His 2 younger brothers did not enjoy his fortune, they checked out when anybody could find out that they had such a problem.

But until we change the way we live or we manage to convince our mothers (who cook for us most of the time) that that extra spoonful of lard would only make our lives more miserable while only entertaining our tongues, we would only be blaming genetics.

And it may have been too late to do anything by then because there would not have been a point to achieve anything at that time as well.

Rest well, Uncle James. Get well soon.
We have many things to catch up on, because it’s been a while since we’ve last met.

Well, there you have it.
It really is simple to find out what would be considered important in my complicated mind.

Easy, isn’t it?

Life Well Spent...

2009-10-15T12:47:00.002+08:00

"What's the use of having everything we want, when we can't even take care of the important things we need?"

There are some people whom we hope to have the opportunity to meet; but when we meet them, we doubt if they’re really the right person.
Most probably, it’s best not to have met them at all...

There are some things which we hope to have the opportunity to achieve; but when that time comes, we would have lost interest to do it altogether & forget why we even bothered to think about getting it done in the first place...

There could also be some words which we may have kept in our hearts, eagerly waiting for the right time to be spoken, hoping that someone would understand it when we say them; but when the timing seemed perfect; we find that the cat has stolen our tongue...

There is also the love which waits for a chance to be expressed in thoughts, words & deeds; but when loves overflows its brim, the word "love" itself has lost its very meaning...

Then, there are people who get the opportunity to be with each other very frequently; however, they never seem to find the means for a fulfilling communication.
Finally, there just seem to be no reason to be with each other anymore.

There are also things which we may have every opportunity to achieve & make a difference; but we choose to procrastinate & think that all these can wait.
When we finally feel that we’re up to it & would want to get them done, that opportunity may have been taken away & we could only wallow in self-pity thinking why we couldn’t have done all those earlier.

Of course, there are also words that we have all the opportunity to say; but due to our egos or we expect others to accept our nature for such things, we would rather put them off for another time & day, or choose not to say them.
But when we finally want to say them, the person to say these to may no longer be around to hear them.

And the painful truth of the matter is that there are many occasions when love was so bountiful to be enjoyed & experienced; but we never really appreciated this fact & never really did cherish anything.
And when we finally are ready to accept this love, it could very well be already too late.

Life is such, fragility at every corner.
We can never know what happens tomorrow.
Or if there will ever be a tomorrow.

For before we know it, we would have wasted our lives on things which did not matter at all in the first place, and having forsaken what it is that could have made us happier.
Or worse, ignoring the happiness & the opportunity to truly make a difference in other’s lives by simply just, loving them.

We may go around in circles while being caught up in our everyday worries, physically & emotionally fatigued, while all the while focusing on the wrong people, items or events.
And we end up asking, why certain things didn’t work out when it is us who couldn’t recognise it when it’s at work.

Suddenly, you realise that relationships are as fragile as life itself.

Having braced through the storm may not necessarily help to improve certain relationship, for it would mean a disaster anyhow if both party did not work together to stay afloat.
It’s the folding of the sail together at the end of the storm which may make the difference.

Would we be able to let go of certain grudges or bad episodes to truly cherish one another?
For, wasn’t it fate that has brought us together?

We should always count our blessings.
Instead of being separated, even if we live across each other’s dwellings, we may not have bumped into each other.
We may have continued on in our daily lives, doing what we think is important, saying what we want to say, meeting whom we would want to meet, throwing our love away to people who may not even matter to begin with.

Really, that when we finally realise that you & I are truly made for each other, when we are in each other’s arms in that long-awaited embrace, the warmth of it will only make us burst out in laughter of joy & happiness.
We could also very well be kicking ourselves as to why it took such a long time to realise what is already very evident.
And then, when we look back, we would have already spent almost half of our lives searching for what has already been in front of us all these while.

So, cherish all that you have today.
For each & every person around you are there for a reason.
Things are done or left undone, said or left unsaid are all for a bigger cause.

So that you & I could find ourselves in each other’s embrace for many, many more lifetimes to come.

Fish by the Kilo, Anyone?

2009-10-12T17:17:00.003+08:00

"Take nothing but memories, while you leave footprints in others’ hearts..."

I am sure most of us are occupied one way or another by our passions.
Some of us, it is our work.
Not the job, I meant our work.

For things that you are passionate about should not be that which sustains your livelihood, because passionate or not, you’d still have to do it.

Some of us; our hobbies.
And I know a few people who have quite a few of these as well.

Some of us; our friends & family.
We’re passionate about them.
But then again, how sure are you that they would feel the same?

Good point huh?

Whereas for me, I am passionate about 1 thing; to make each & every day a memorable one.

I pride myself with the bane of a good memory.
Selective, if you may, while I have been described as a person who would only remember the stuff which I so choose to remember.

And since I find it difficult to forget mostly the bad stuff, why not make everything which is good as memorable as the mind can take me?

Of course, not every day is a highlight of the week.
However, I always try my best to take a mental picture of the moments of the day, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

It is interesting how things unfold as the day draws to a close, coz at the end of the day, whatever that has happened, the people we have met, the words that have been spoken should be as unique as the new day itself.

As such, every single note I read, every word I hear & every little detail would not escape my senses.
Especially those of the people who matter to me in my life.
Every smile, every frown, every sigh would mean deeply to me.

Life is defined by these moments, not by the years in our age...

But in the midst of this blinding passion of mine to make the day memorable, some things would inevitably be forsaken; for example, how would she feel if everything she says or does would seem to be under scrutiny?

How little is the space that she would feel entrapped in when I tend to make every arrangement of the day so that I could remember them as I would want to, without figuring if that is really what she wanted?

Wouldn’t I then be selfish, for what I am passionate about in the day may not be such a driving force for others whom I have taken all the liberty in the world to include?

As such, wouldn’t it be a totally fresh revelation to be told that I may have not been very sensitive to her feelings since I have not been liberal enough to even ask if that is what she really wants to do?

As egoistic as I am, I must admit, that in my quest to keep my passion burning & thinking everybody’s happy since I am happy, I was really very selfish.
I cannot deny that I have been self-centred, that only my goals are to be met & I would want to be the one who goes home smiling.

I have failed to realise that this is the very fundamental basis of a relationship: Space.

That once, this was the reason I was feeling strangled & looking back at some of my earlier postings in this blog, I was once struggling to stay afloat as well.

It didn’t matter that the fear of losing someone is now more empowering than the joy of the possibility of winning her over for life.

Well, I have learned a lesson.
I pray that most of you would not have to.

I am really glad I did.

P.S.: Managed to catch the 3 stories posted earlier today? Go ahead, scroll down. Enjoy them...

Modern Fables...

2009-10-12T13:26:00.002+08:00

I have come across these stories in an email I received from a dear friend.
Thanks for sharing.

These really hit me hard.
Let's hope we can all learn from them as well.

Cheers.

1. The Turtles

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!

For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt.
A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home.

Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.

Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned.

Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger.
He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich.
At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting,

'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'

[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we do not do anything ourselves...]

2. The Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs.
The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs!

The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!'

So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.

The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs.
The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?'
The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'

[Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about...]

3. The Pretty Lady

Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river.

The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk.

'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk.
But he kept quiet... The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily.

When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk.
He was making up all kinds of accusations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.

Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk.

'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite!'

The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'

[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous ...
But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river.

This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over...]

My Left Eye...

2009-10-09T12:34:00.002+08:00

"There are 4 things in life that we must never break: trust, relationship, promise & heart; for when these break there is no sound but eternal pain..."

I finally replaced the box of tissue paper in the car, after having a new box in standby mode for a couple of days.

No, not because I was lazy to replace it, there were about 3 pieces of tissue paper left in the old one.

I am sure, coz I finally used them up last night.
And I had to struggle to get off the car coz all that "wiping" displaced the contact lens in my left eye.
These things don’t wear as easily as they used to, many thanks to my ever-swelling eye bags.

I used to hear some people say, that being happy is more than an emotion.
It should also not be mistaken as merely feeling happy.
Some have also tried to convince me that happiness is more than just a state-of-mind.

But actually, I do not in any way need to be reminded, that being happy is a choice.

Somehow, I cannot be sure if this statement is applicable anymore.

I am constantly amazed by my own actions, my words, my thoughts & my reaction to certain things.

In fact, these few days, I am actually trying very unsuccessfully not to kick myself too hard for backing out of a decision which I have painfully made in order for things to turn out better; not necessarily better for me, but most probably very necessary.

For if I chose as such, would I be able to pick myself up again.
After all, things in life are more than just sticks that lay there for the picking.
If I ever garner that sort of courage to do it, would it be because I am not able to see any other option? If so, would it still be considered a choice?

If such is the move I take, would I then be able to choose to be happy?

So, is it still so much of a choice?

Living in the Now...

2009-10-06T18:23:00.002+08:00

"Yesterday is History & Tomorrow's a Mystery. Today is a Gift, that's why it's called The Present..."

It’s been some time since I have last posted something.

Maybe due to the uncertainty of my own state-of-mind, the doubts which never seem to want to clear off, the insecurity I am facing...

For fear of creating an impression of taking you guys for a roller-coaster ride, I chose to "blog-hibernate" these few days while I sort of "sort out" what’s been playing around in my head.

Of course, there were some ups & downs.
When hopes were fulfilled & some expectations dashed.

Maybe the harshest lesson I have learned is not to expect anything, go with the flow, just do what comes naturally & be prepared that not all would go the way as we mostly wish.

Somehow, I have also buckled up some courage to figure out certain things.
Things which I have for so long, kept at the back of my head out of fear.

However, I found that the less I use my mind to process things meant to be sorted out by heart, the happier I became.
Needless to say, the reaction would mostly be positive, and happiness, as they say, is contagious.

Probably the line to the Barry Manilow classic comes to mind:
"You see I feel sad when you're sad; I feel glad when you're glad..."

I have also stumbled across The Great Counsellor’s blog by "God-incidence" (for there is no such thing as a coincidence) and what a revelation it has been.
To see things through her perspective is such an eye-opener for me.
The greatest gift by coming across this blog is to realise that there is always a different way to look at anything.

Well, you know who you are.
God’s job well done.

So, I guess for now, I would just soak it up while I can.
For there really is no telling what will happen next.

Heck, who can even tell me what would be up tomorrow?
For someone who would most probably skip a few heartbeats now & then, I am glad to be awake to the sound of my alarm & making that daily wake-up call to the person who matters most to me in this point of my life.

So no more fretting for me, I am afraid...
For yesterday’s gone & tomorrow is uncertain.

All we have now is today.
Cheers.

Half Full, Half Empty?

2009-09-25T14:20:00.002+08:00

"Instead of looking at what we have lost, why not look at what we have left..."

In our daily lives, we are often caught with situations where we are challenged to do better than we have done before.
While most of us are led into the complacency of our beings, some of us accept this challenge as a means to improve ourselves.

Be it getting to office a little earlier just to make yourself feel good, or getting more done in the same amount of time compared to yesterday or even being able to accomplish more of the goals you’ve set out to achieve this year compared to last.

We are just made to improve ourselves.
It’s been this that has maintained the ecological balance of evolution.

In our relationship with others, as we get to know someone better, over time, we would be emotionally attached to that somebody.
The relationship would evolve, so to speak.
Especially when there have been instances when these 2 people have gone through some challenges together & are now even bonded stronger than before.

Expectations would arise.
Hearts would skip beats.

After all, we’re only human.

But what if, time just stopped & things that have happened in between create a rift between these 2 individuals, and worse still, they are now back to square 1?

So how now, brown cow?

Should they look at what they have gone through & put in the effort to rekindle what was lost?

Should they forget what has happened, start afresh, as though they have never met before & be "new" friends all over again, as though things are like with a computer, hard disk formatted & start anew – if this is even possible?

Perhaps they should just let things happen "naturally", good or bad, slowly drift apart & probably this would be the only painless straw to pull which inevitably leads to separation?

Or they should just give up any hopes & draw a line, in order to save up on the pain, anxiety & misery?

A dear friend keeps reminding me that "the glass is half full, Steve..." & not to dwell too much on the empty.

It is no doubt a difficult thing to do, but if it’s worth it, it has to be done.

As long as I can, I hope.
There you go; that "H" word again.

Ok, we’ll see.

Divided Mind, Tormented Soul

2009-09-14T14:44:00.004+08:00

"H.O.P.E. is not just another 4-lettered word; it is the nourishment for life & love..."

There are times in our lives when we are going through some hardship, we do what’s necessary to overcome them, putting in all our attention, strength & determination to pull through because we can somehow be assured or have a slight sense of security that these will come to pass.

There also could have been times that we would have to deal with some form of "pain" in our lives, for example: the visit to the dentist, which would usually mean an experience to remember for a long time. One of my best Counsellors just had her "wisdom" removed. Not much effect on her making wise decisions, though, or being intellectual enough to ease others’ sufferings, but to her, this pain will end. It’s the hopes of things turning better which has kept her from throwing in the towel.

Or would this example be more effective in describing what I am trying to say?

Imagine with me for a while:
One day, you chanced upon a valuable item, a jewel, a gem of some sort.
Very rare, so rare that it could be said to be priceless & glorious beyond your wildest comprehension.
You have grown to be so emotionally attached to it that you would do anything in this world to protect it from harm.
But due to some unavoidable circumstances, and as they say that life would take you places if not home, you had to part with it, no matter how involuntarily.

While you’re away, another person managed to find it, took care of it to his best ability at that moment and in the same time has been accepted by everyone that he shall now be the rightful & lawful companion of this gem.

Needless to say, the memories of the days you have had still tug at your heart.

Until one day, you are fortunate enough to find it again, albeit in another person’s possession.
To see its colour fade, the clarity clouded & the shine beginning to show it’s lacklustre, you decide that no matter what, you would do as your heart tells you to: earn a chance to defend its sanctity & provide for it whatever it takes for it to return to its days of glory.

To the extent that you would make sacrifices which nobody would comprehend.
Yes, it was that powerful.

You managed to do so, and the person acknowledges you may have done a better job in this short period whilst he could only wish to be able to do for such a long time.
The fact is, you seem to complement each other, complete each other & fulfil each other in so many ways, it’s unimaginable.

But as they say, you’ll never know what happens tomorrow.

As you have already put in all your heart, soul & might into the effort of ensuring the future you would share with this piece of love of your life is blissful & happy, you cannot avoid the mistakes of your past coming back to haunt you.
It is at this moment when you are most vulnerable, you lose it again.

The previous guy finds out that he may have another shot & you somehow have to deal with the fact that you are after all, the loser which was meant to be.
For eventhough you may keep telling yourself to fix the haunting, you know that things have indeed changed.
And there really is no telling if it’ll ever be the same again.
Despondency, sadness & lost of hope creep in.
Because simply, to try hard in wrestling it away would mean to force for certain things to happen, however, by not doing anything, you could no longer be able to tell if there really should be hope in the first place.

You cannot forgive yourself.
For such a long time, the only thing you would want which you believe would complete your life was to be reunited with this precious jewel.
You had it, but you blew it.

You feel like being left alone in the tunnel.
There could only be left or right.
Not much of a choice, but you have still gotta make either one.

The hurt deepens.
For there was once light at the end of the tunnel.
It has somehow disappeared when you fumbled.

Then the flood gates open.
You are now nose-deep underwater, you struggle to stay afloat.
All you’ve ever wanted was to earn that trust back to protect what it was that you once lost.
The more you struggle, the more you feel like giving up.
The more you try, the further it drifts away from you.

Your sacrifices would mean you have burnt all bridges.
There is nothing to go back to.
Your world has stopped spinning when the flood gates opened, pouring millions of gallons of water from both ends of the tunnel.

You wouldn’t know if the light will ever shine for you again.
As far as you can tell, it is already given up from the events that have taken place.
No hope?
Maybe.

So now do you understand?
Or would it be easier for you to do so if you were to substitute the words "gem" and "jewel" with a person?

And the tunnel?
My life.

The Month-Long Drama

2009-09-01T10:20:00.004+08:00

"Never part without loving words to remember you with during your absence.
It may be fated that in this life you will never meet again..."

I am glad that my last entry almost a month ago was of a good, meaningful & memorable account.

For if fate has its way that we do not meet again, then that very last entry - if not of positive content - would be the way I would eternally be remembered; sad, bitter, negative & emotional...

It’s been a while since I last posted an entry.
And what a while it has been.

Many events took place, many things happened, many words were traded, many sleepless nights endured, many tiresome hours beaten up standing, many ups & down experienced, many good things to remember and of course, many things I would have wished did not turn out the way they did.

For it was also during this time that I did the most thinking.
No words could describe the pictures in my mind when my synapses connect.
Especially when loneliness creeps in & the silence is so deafening, you can actually hear your mind work.

Just so you would know, things that we would hear during periods like these, especially during the lowest point of our lives, could be as frightening as they could be enlightening...

All in all, I survived.

The ordeal of the experience of potentially losing the world.
The pain of having endured endless cold days & nights.
The sorrow of regret.
Losing my soul.

I would never be able to forget; the doctor’s verdict, the anguish of the truth, the honesty of heart, the moment the door slammed, the dumbfounded moment where I could not move a muscle, the sensation of standing at the edge of the window, the visions of what has happened in life playing in Technicolor, the SOS call to the counsellor, the sorrow of making choices, the delivery of penitence, the fall down the stairs, the glimmer of hope from the tail lights, the feeling of being in limbo...

I once wondered if the weather is tied to our feelings or moods or emotions, just like in the movies...

If it is, I can’t wait for the director to yell "Cut!"

Coz in this "movie" of mine where the script is non-existent, I have run out of lines.

I do wish to walk out of the set alive.
I know for a fact my heart would never be the same.
I can only guess if my mind is still sane.

But what I can’t afford to lose is my soul.
That is, if I have not lost it yet.

Have I?

Brother, TaiKor, AhNeh, Hia Dee...

2009-08-06T16:33:00.002+08:00

"Men who achieve great heights are seldom brought together based on common interests; it is in the differences which they work through that brings them to the scales which they reach..."

I have a brother whom I did not choose.
He came into the family through my Mom 3 years after I did.

There went my spotlight which I have had enjoyed for the first 3 years of my life.
Suddenly, it wasn’t only about me anymore.
Whenever there was a whimper, Mom & Dad or whomever were paying their "finally I managed to grab" attention to me earlier just scurry to his side to see if everything is ok.

They would also compliment on how he seemed a little bit cuter than I was when I was new-born in a different dialect or language, thinking I would not get what it was that they were saying.

"Hello.
I am 3 years old lah."

By then I had picked up 3 dialects & 3 different languages...

He grew up with his set of challenges, both to my parents & to himself.

However, all I could say today is that:
"Well, I may not have had a choice earlier, but given one, I would probably still want you as my brother..."

I use "probably", coz I am sure he should know that there are instances in which he could have done better.

Dude, don’t give up.
Keep trying.
You can do it!

After all, you’re my blood brother; so how much worse off could you get?

Hahaha... :)

There are also brothers of a different kind.
Those whom we get to choose.
Maybe in the beginning they are merely acquaintances.
But after a while & the things you go through together, you become friends.

The time will come when the level is raised when challenges you face together or happiness you share bring you closer.
It would also feel rather uncomfortable when you don’t meet each other for a certain period of time & feel something is missing in your usual self.
That’s when you realise that they have touched your lives & that they truly deserve a special place in your heart.
These guys, through your choosing, become your brothers.

I have been described as a person who picks his company very fervently.
I may not be very friendly at times & I do not practice discretion when displaying this fact.

But there is a band-of-brothers whom I trust with my life.

Literally.

For the things that we have gone through together are really experiences which money cannot buy.
That is exactly why, recently, I was saddened that before I was given an opportunity to utter my grievances, I felt judged on my current actions & inactions.

However, having faith that they would understand, I chose to unmask myself & let them see that I have not changed, just some situations & circumstances have adjusted themselves & I still am who they are comfortable being with.

What you see is what you get.
Nothing to hide.
Just good old FF.

God loves me.
Otherwise He would not have put me in the company of this group of kind-hearted people.

People I care for as much as they care for me.
People who trust that I carry the best of their interests at heart & carry mine in theirs.
People whom I am certain will be there with me no matter thick or thin, doing whatever they can in their capacity for what I believe in.

These people whom I call brothers of different mothers.

I love you all.

Ring, ring... Hello?!?!

2009-08-05T18:02:00.001+08:00

"If it is true that you’re happy for someone about something, be genuine about it. For their true happiness may very well depend on yours..."

Let me illustrate.

If somebody matters so much to you that their state-of-mind is a concern of yours, watch your own.
Because, the slightest emotion you may have or how feel towards something may influence that person’s emotions as well...

From a line of Barry Manilow’s classic:
"I feel glad, when you’re glad;
Feel sad when you’re sad..."

Makes sense?

Simple, time & again we hear that to maintain that somebody is happy, we must be happy with their decisions, be happy for them, and so on so forth.
Easier said than done most of the time; because it actually hurt us to see the other person’s happiness especially if it does not involve us.
But we learn to let go.

However, time & again, we are not spared from the instances when we overlook this simple truth.
That we ignore the very fact that a basic reaction we have towards an incident would bring so much discomfort to that somebody.

Even as the masters of the top of the food chain, acknowledged as being the most intelligent & intellectual of all of God’s creation, we human seek a few things from that someone that we would not usually seek elsewhere; attention, affection, care, concern, loyalty, truthfulness, respect, honour, the list can go on & on & on…

But all these would not be possible if the one single most important element is missing: recognition.

It’s been said that this is the thing that men die for & babies cry for...

Simple things, such as calling them by their affectionate nicknames would change the mood in so many ways.
I am sure by now you would have heard couples calling each other "baby", "honey", "sweetheart", "darling", etc...
(Feel a little mushy, don't you?)

Ever wondered why it's important?
Because everybody else would call them by their actual names.
It is that special someone who would address them as affectionately as you would by their nicknames, if you are up for it.

Of course, this step requires discretion; otherwise it will create a high-resonance sting in the ear if misused too often.

Then we figure: "What is the significance of the wedding ring?"
It’s been called many names; the love-band, the love-bond, etc, when it simply means to address the tying of the knot...

Some ladies wear one to ward off unwanted attention, especially when they’re on a night out on a prowl.
Most men would not wear theirs, hoping that the hot chick across the table would notice that they are still "S&A".

I have heard cases where arguments take place because either party has misplaced the ring.
There were even rumours that couples get all psyched up because of this issue of losing it, thinking it actually reveals how much they regard the marriage in the first place.

But it should only be seen as a form of recognition.
When the wearer feels that the love is gone, then, where is the bond?
Why should there still be a band?
What knot are we still talking about?

They say time heals all wounds.
Time is also a good way to prove a lot of things.
Time will also show the truth in many issues.

Get a good watch to look out for it.

Want a Tag?

Of Pigeons, Cats & the Privacy of the Bat-Cave...

2009-08-04T12:35:00.003+08:00

"Don’t lose hope; for when the sun goes down, the stars come out..."

It’s been a heck of a 48-hour period of my life.

For one thing, I didn’t know that love is also bad for the big toe.
And when it gets hurt, there is no description to the emotions that run through my heart & mind, the shiver that tingles though my spine & the guilt that burns a hole in the soul.

Moving couches would never be the same again.
That’s why they were made such, so that we don’t move them time & again unnecessarily.

If it’s any comfort, it was a good thing that the nearest hypermarket was retailing "the comfort food of all comfort food" at a reasonable enough price that I could afford to stock up.

Maybe it’s true when people say: "Behind every cloud, there is a silver lining."
For everything that happens, there is bound to be a reason behind it.

It could be that the "pigeon" saw the injury & is able to understand the significance of it, because finally, it has agreed to let go & move on.
At last, the Angel could breathe a big heavy sigh of relief.

Needless to say, being ecstatic would be an understatement.
But how could I put on a display of happiness when someone else’s has just ended?

Ironic, isn’t it?
Tell me about it.

But it has to happen in this fashion, because there is not enough pie to go around, somebody is bound to go home hungry.
And in this case, eventhough I was not first in line, I dare say that I have proven to be the more befitting & deserving starved one to be given the final slice.

But it was supposed to be one of the happiest evenings of my life.

That was until I heard the doorbell & found out that cats knew how to use elevators.
The very fact that my sanctuary has been trespassed & its sanctity breached speaks volume of the roller coaster I was experiencing.

And how the heck did Cat-woman manage to infiltrate the security measures taken to keep people out of the Bat-cave still eludes my comprehension.

Of course, we cannot expect cats to understand simple human languages especially when sanity is the last of their virtue at this very moment.
Seeing Angel at the Bat-cave did not help in hitting home reality into the mind of the feline.
Probably that’s what caused the paws to retract to reveal sharp claws & the fangs were on public display.

After almost an hour of verbal wrestling, (or whatever it was supposed to be called), I managed to make the feline leave peacefully, but not without a threat that cats have nine lives & that I have not seen the last of her...

Oh well, we’ll see...

What a waste to an otherwise superb evening.

This is it.
A "New Beginning" that I have been harping on & on about.

But it won’t really take off unless I finish clearing my dumpster of unwanted feline faeces.

Cat litter, anyone?

***Disclaimer: No animals have been hurt in the production of this entry. But if it goes on like this, the author could offer no guarantee...***

Yes, No, Maybe...

2009-08-03T15:36:00.002+08:00

"Some people are like pigeons; they sh*t on everyone & everything but still refuse to leave..."

Especially when they are comfortable.
Even more so when they have been taking for granted that the things they have had in life will not be taken away from them, because to these people, it is not their fault that things happen the way they had.

Sometimes we wonder what it takes for these people to even wake up from their unending slumber of a perfect world.
For most probably since it’s been ingrained in their shallow or near-to-zero level of mentality to cling on to things even when the meaning is lost.

What truly makes it worse is the fact that in the process of trying to prove their point, bridges are burnt, doors are closed, trust is broken & destiny is sealed.

What is then the real purpose of not letting go?
Who are they trying to fool that things will still change for the better?
When will they ever learn that there is no way to turn back time?
Why can’t they see that there isn’t hope anymore in this comfort zone of theirs?

If you are truthful & sincere in their happiness, let go.
Let them live as they want.
If that’s the only way to their happiness, never doubt that this is the way it should be.
Move out of the comfort zone, that space which you have already taken for granted for so many years.
Allow change to move your lives.
Before things get worse, since more things done or more words exchanged would only bring unhappiness into your lives.

Be certain then, that whatever is left would be memories worth cherishing.
And be glad that there was once love.

The Cold Room...

2009-07-30T17:22:00.001+08:00

After about a month of searching, a couple of fortnights of turmoil & a week of anticipation, finally; I will from now dwell in a new sanctuary.

It is not without hiccups.

For when I realised it, crap, the AC actually emits a certain foul stench after 1 hour of being in operation.
The shower is a little too under-pressured to my liking, but I would survive that.
Without the AC, I would need to open the windows in order to continue breathing.
And that’s when I remember, shucks, we live in a country where we’re still teaching the citizens how to rid their homes of the risks of dengue.

These are the stuff I could take with a spoonful of sugar.

And the queen-sized bed has never seemed bigger.
With a mattress protector, the feeling is simply marvellous; soft & comfortable as the sheets are new as well.
But it felt vastly too huge.
Even without the AC, I could not feel anything else but just how cold the room was.

Maybe it was not just the room.

My first winks came at about 4AM.
But I forgot to dream, because at the end of it, the fatigue is still lying at the back of my head.

Today, the LCD & the washer were sent up.
Appliances of entertainment & convenience.
Will I get to use them tonight it anybody’s guess, as I would most probably be still too tired to even want to do anything else but to get used to the cold & lonely albeit new surrounding.

"Though I may be looked up upon by a handful, shook hands with a few;
Make public speeches to many, have dinner with one or two...
I will still need to realise, that when daylight is finally gone;
The time when the soul truly needs it most; I will still be going home alone..."

Thanks, but No Thanks...

2009-07-29T15:20:00.002+08:00

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you..."
- Mark Twain (1835 – 1910)

But we’re not dogs, we were not starving.
And we prospered through hard work by our very own pair of hands.

You’ve guessed it.
Today, we shall talk about gratitude.

Such a misused word, oftentimes misunderstood.

There should be times when we needed someone to keep the doors of the elevators open just so we could get out with all our bags or stuff that we need to carry home.
"Thank you" would not be such a difficult thing to say.

There should be instances when we could use an extra pair of hands & were fortunate enough that someone was there to stretch out theirs.
To these kind-hearted people, we wish them the best in all their future undertakings.

There are times also that we are going through very important days of our lives & the people who matter to us would take the extra effort to make sure the occasion works our perfectly.
No matter how they would say otherwise, we would feel to be greatly in their debt.

There are times when things look bleak, the options unclear, the road seemed dark & uncertain, people have helped us pull through the toughest moments of our lives.
To these folks, the words "Thank You" would be an understatement.
Chances are, we would even cherish these people for the rest of our lives.

However, there are also those who, in the name of having done something or with the thought that they had, misuse the word gratitude.

For instance;
It’s ridiculous that the people who once helped us feel that we shall be so indebted that we would lose our souls to them, to the extend of going against our very will & do things out of gratitude even if it means there won’t be anything beneficial to expect from that action.

It’s also unacceptable that people who have spent a chunk of their lives with us expect that we will forever be committed to them out of being grateful, not taking into consideration that the days to come would actually spell more hurt, anguish, pain & disaster.

And it’s totally outright outrageously stupid for an employer to even have an inkling of a feeling that the staff of his company should be eternally grateful to their employment to be able to afford their livelihood or for having better or more lavish options or appear to have increased their purchasing power, not even thinking that for a fact, the time & effort put into making a living by the staff, all the sacrifices made in the name of that job & to add salt to the wound, the people in the company resemble animals in a safari, habitants of old folks homes or even patients in the mental asylum to be working with in the first place!

Hello, boss.
We’re paid for our work-lah, you think it’s charity ah?
Maybe you will feel you’re the biggest philanthropist in your donkey world, since you have a habit of doing so much charity by collecting stubborn, "I was here first", out-dated, old-fashioned & otherwise-unemployable-elsewhere senile citizens who keep extending their "post-mandatory retirement age employment contracts" & keep sinking their shrivelled hands annually into the bonuses which are so rightfully earned by others.
So redundant are these people that you even create unnecessary positions that would not even exist in companies which run on a minute scale of common sense.
W.T.F.?

This entry is by no means an attempt to undermine the virtue of being grateful, for gratitude is the mother of all virtues worth respecting.
I certainly do not wish to be misunderstood as a "B.U.L.B. – Blardy Ungrateful Little B*stard"...

But some people just have got to be told off at their faces.
Thanks, sorry but f*ck you!

It'll Pass...

2009-07-25T11:56:00.004+08:00

"Life is only travelled once; today’s moment becomes tomorrow’s memory.
Enjoy every moment, good or bad, because the gift of life is life itself.."

When we let go, there are things we inevitably lose grip of.
For better or for worse, most of the time, time itself will tell.

When something which we have held on to for a period of our lives no longer seemed to be ours to keep, perhaps the only rational action next would be just to let go.

As long as the memory serves a purpose to bring about a smile, a sigh or even a raised eyebrow; we could be contended that those moments are forever ours to cherish.

It’s been said time & again, that to truly appreciate something; we may not necessarily need to keep it in our possession.
For what’s good of a love if we confine it in our pockets for keeps?
Once love is defined & confined, it starts to wither & die.

Instead, it should live in our hearts; in order for us to pass it forward so that others will also be able to experience it & cherish it their hearts forever instead.
Difficult, because our minds have been fashioned since young, that; if we like or love something enough, we should get a hold over it & never let go.

Especially true when we meet someone who comes into our lives whom we are so confident are the ones who would make an impact & we seem to be unable to live a minute separated from them.
Of course, it would be blissful to have them in our lives for the rest of it.
I am a believer of putting the effort to make things work just so that 2 people could enrich each other’s numbered days on this face of the Earth.

But, I am also a believer that when the days come that separation is inevitable, the mentality gap is inching wider as how planets are losing orbit by the day, the feelings & emotions are long jaded & faded, or the commitment doesn’t seem to add up in that relationship anymore, well, the only option to maintain a memory worth cherishing forever is just simply to let go.

Otherwise, which would you rather have in the remaining days of your life?
A bitter relationship where all compromise have failed, trust & understanding seem such an alien word with a partner whom you do not have more than 20 words to share in a day?

Or a brief & painful encounter of letting go, in order to preserve the moments where the passage of time has led you both, where each experience has its marvels, its ups & downs, which glow & sparkle to bring about a "Hmm, those were the days..."

I have made my choice.
It was painful.
It still is.

All I can hope for now is that it won’t hurt too long.

Wish me luck.

"Always believe that life itself is a gift.
That’s why today is called 'the present'...
Live life a day at a time, with no regrets."

That is probably the best gift you could ever have, for yourself to yourself.

Miley Cyrus – The Climb

2009-07-25T11:56:00.002+08:00

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
The pain I’m knowing
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

From Charlie-UnaPenta-UnaUna to Bravo-Sette-Okto...

2009-07-22T17:14:00.004+08:00

"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change..."

Barbara De Angelis
American Expert on Relationship & Love, Author

I remember being told once:
"The only thing constant in our lives is change, for it is inevitable..."
A shift from a comfort zone can be seen as one.

Tomorrow, I shall be given the access to my new sanctuary.
Over the weekend, I would have to drive up a different drive-way, go up in a different elevator, open a different door & wake up to a new surrounding.
It would, of course, involve a change of residential address as well.

This decision was a painful one.
For change always is.
Nonetheless, it was necessary.

That the fact of the matter remains a hurt & difficult to digest, however bitter, has got to be swallowed.

It should be accepted as one of the major decisions I am to make in my lifetime.
No matter what, the memories would remain; sweet or sour, most probably forever in my mind.
I may not wish it to be so, but I am only human...

However, the view from this new dwelling would be different.
I should make sure that I enjoy it while my eyes still see.
The warmth level could be different as well, but as long as I don’t "freeze" to death, I believe I would get by.

There would be a lot of things to purchase, a lot of things to clean & some adjustments to be made here & there.
All these are only natural if a change is set in motion.

And hopefully, I will finally get to use a functional kitchen & enjoy a home-cooked meal.
But it would be different.
Expectedly so, since the dishes would most probably be done by someone else this time around.

Habits will change.
Living standards will change.
State-of-minds will change.
Destiny will change as well.

Let's just hope I would get to keep intact my heart, my dignity & my soul.

So, house-warming... anyone?

I'm Sorry, but Thank You & I Love You!

2009-07-21T11:37:00.003+08:00

"Maybe... happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives..."

Once a week on Tuesdays, the company I am currently attached to would gather all members of the staff into the main conference room for a gathering which is known as the Weekly Assembly.
It is often used as a platform to reinforce competence, to celebrate birthdays of any member of staff that are born that particular month or just a means of disseminating information or announcements.

Usually, there would be themed activities.
Last month's theme was "Knowledge", where yours truly obliterated the whole assembly with the super-human ability to memorize facts of general knowledge, geography, history & common sense.

But today, things were different.
This month's theme is about social relationships.
It was however; quite pleasant to see the committee of this platform take the effort to provide each & every one of us 3 cards with our names on them which contained different messages; "Thank You", "I’m Sorry" & "I Love You".
And we were to pass these on to the people who we would want to say those things to.

In the office.
Yeah right.

Some held on tightly to theirs, not knowing exactly who to show appreciation enough to say "I Love You", some offended others so much that one "I’m Sorry" card is not enough to go around, while there are those who wished they could thank the whole company for giving them tolerable crap & made their lives less miserable that they stayed on for more than 10 years...

And some were so sadly waiting for at least 1 card to come their way, desperate to know if theire presence made a difference at all.

I can’t help but to start doubting.
Whether in such a setting, so professional & formal, where most are here for 1 reason which is to provide for themselves a means to a livelihood, would people clearly, sincerely & honestly know how to "tag" their colleagues with such cards.

For I know, in the course of our dealings with others, we are bound to cross paths with others.
It would only be natural human instinct to reach out.
But in the office?

No prizes for guessing where mine have gone.

Then there was this sentiment that I felt; the more often you say something, the more others would begin to believe it.
However, there are some words that if spoken too often would lose its meaning & the essence of the message would not be felt, having the very effect of having said it disappear.

Maybe it’s true.
To truly find what we’re looking for, we would need to have searched for it.
When we would appear to have found it, we must lose it to really appreciate it.
And when we find it again, probably in another form or another realm of our reality, we would appreciate it more.

For the times we searched, tried & cried, we would have stiffened ourselves towards what we consider as the element of animosity.
We may have been shaped & fashioned from our experiences, would be now the person, who is the result of the trials & tribulations we faced or braved through, jaded with the happenings & events which may take place.

It is our right to preserve the qualities we have acquired, the survival skills we have adopted & the circumstances we have adapted to.

But when happiness is at our doorstep, would we be able to identify it, embrace it & claim it as our own?

Knock knock?

Mixed Platter of Emotions...

2009-07-20T16:44:00.003+08:00

"It may be true that love does not make the world go round, but it sure makes the ride worthwhile..."

And what a heck of a ride it’s been too!

Today would be written in the history of my being as a day of many descriptions of emotions;
Boredom, Anger, Sadness, Gratitude, Trustworthy, Sense of Achievement, Fulfilment & Happiness.

As usual, the day started off as any other Monday of mixed feelings, that you finally get to be "reconnected" after the weekend – albeit a shorter one this time around – but still, 24 hours is still a long time to be restrained from such a powerful factor in your life.
But it’s still a Monday, and the sluggishness of the weekend has yet to wear off.

Then comes the "lobotomy session" where animals which are brain-dead in the first place go to get their brains "washed & stormed" for a cause, futile nonetheless, but still the idea that every idea is futile never seems to register in brain-dead animals.
Hence; boredom.

Wash that down with a message received which you should have received 3 days ago about some things you would wish would not happen, but it did, which actually does not affect you anymore besides being an annoying & irritating fact that it did.
And the person carrying that message felt that it was best kept till today in order for the weekend to be enjoyed to the max, without ever realising that by not knowing what you should have known, you may end up making the wrong decisions or wrong judgment calls which you may regret.
That’s the anger part.

Knowing in advance that today could potentially be one of the most lonesome days of the year due to the fact that you would be left alone after lunch makes it imperative that every minute you get to spend with her be totally undisturbed & uninterrupted.
Sadness creeps in when the orders for lunch arrived.

Somehow, some sense was knocked into your mind that the message-carrier was only bearing the best of your interest at heart by not revealing what she did earlier for the sake of so many parties, you feel bad for that reaction & you agree, that this person has the most genuine concern for everyone.
And you felt that that person deserves a bit of gratitude.

Next, your phone rings.
It’s a number so long; it has to be either a long-distance call or a call from overseas.
You pick it up & find your good buddy, brother-like on the other end calling all the way from Taiwan asking for a favour to lend assistance, eventhough the scene of the matter is almost 80km away from your current location.
And due to the "brotherly-love"; out of all people, he chooses to call you.
You launch into "Search & Rescue" mode, doing all you can, but in the same time feeling very helpless.
Then you were reminded by the Angel that you could call your own (biological) brother, who is close enough to the scene & is in his most professional capacity to do something for help.
He does it, doesn’t leave room to disappoint you,
And for once in your life, you feel that sense of pride which does not happen very often.
Trustworthy, runs in the family.

Due to a pertinent date of event, something has to be purchased.
You get to the shop which trades in that particular group of items sourced.
The selections are many, but not all catches your attention.
And the one which deserves mention could be bundled with things that are usually not available in other shops, which makes it a good deal.
You close the deal, with everything promised in the bag, nothing less.
Sense of achievement, you bet.

You walk to the bank to secure that deal once & for all as it involves a lump-sum cash payment.
All this so that the one who matters most would be able to do what she needs & would be happy to do.
And since she’s happy to be able to do it, a strong sensation of fulfilment rages through your heart.

What a day so far, huh?

Oh, and yeah.
Happiness is when you realise that the very gift she reluctantly received earlier during the weekend is so beautiful in its intended place.

Say "Cheese"?

Eggs, Chilies, Coffee & Black Pepper Sauce...

2009-07-17T12:32:00.003+08:00

"Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.

Remember also, that the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships..."

Anthony Robbins
American Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Expert / Consultant

I remember reading this line somewhere:
In a relationship, the things we do or say are not half as important as to be who we really are.
Our inner core character must not be suppressed; otherwise it would hinder the very basic necessity in a relationship - Effective Interdependence

So, what exactly is a relationship?

When 2 people get together & feel that it's one of the most comfortable experiences they have had & the enjoyment of each other's company on an almost daily basis?
The funny feeling that something is missing when these 2 people don’t get to see each other even for a day?
The ability to tell what the other is thinking even without an attempt at exchanging words?

Could it be testified through the time when we are reminded of that someone whenever we come across certain things, places, songs, smells or events?

That sometimes the only goal & objective we strive to achieve everyday is to minimise their irritability, bring up their moods & somehow ensure that they enjoy their day?

Or just knowing what the other prefers; a sunny side up with a cooked yoke, or a simple request for cut small chillies in soy sauce to the usual palate for iced coffee and the almost-definite extra order of black pepper sauce; even before they tell you that's what they would want?

It's Friday.
And usually my alter-ego would emerge.
But this weekend is different.
It's a DCT...
Chances are, I may will enjoy this weekend as well.

I hope you do too.

I leave you at the turn of this week with this very fine line:
"It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, bit it is the little differences that make them interesting..."
Todd Ruthman

Telepathy, Carving Hearts & Changing Lives...

2009-07-16T18:17:00.000+08:00

"When you pick a life-partner, go for the one with the best communication skills; because when you’re both growing old together, it’ll be the only skill you’ll ever need..."

Let’s face it.
When we choose our "partners", we usually are attracted to certain things about them; their smiles, their voices, their physical attributes, their facial features, their "character" or sometimes the lack of it...

How often do we grow fond of that certain someone due to the fact that they know how to react to our needs, even smallest gestures or our subconscious body language?

Did we get a chance to know that person good enough to build up the comfort level with them to be able to communicate our thoughts well enough?

Have we put ourselves in a situation where we are able to anticipate the deepest feelings & emotions of that particular person?

Are we sensitive enough to notice the expressions on their faces at the slightest clue or faintest sign of discomfort or pain?

Believe me.
It doesn’t take supernatural human abilities to be able to do the above.
All it takes is what we often call "chemistry", the certain "spark", "telepathy" or just simply; the care & concern for the person whom you genuinely love...

Have you found that person who is so comfortable to be with, so comforting to hear speak, so understanding of your situation even when the least was said, who would anticipate all your emotions & knows how to care for your feelings?

It’s been said often enough that in our lives, people walk in & out...
Only those who make a difference would carve their names in our hearts.

My heart’s carved.
I have been blessed.
And now, I wait.

1+1=3?

2009-07-15T13:45:00.001+08:00

"Dreams are answers to questions which we haven’t yet figured out how to ask..."

As we descend into slower respiratory rates especially in the state of what others would know as “sleep”, our body will find its way to rest itself; cells regenerate, blood count multiplies, skin will shed to provide a new layer of protection and our most mystical organ of all – the brain – as it tries to recuperate from the bantering & bashing of the day, takes us on journeys which we may never experience in full flesh.

This process is often called “dream”.
I have posted countless entries in here to conjure up boredom.
So too about hopes, wishes & expectations.

But what you are about to find here today could be the very result of all that has been going on in my tireless mind, my seemingly unending quest for that “Holy Grail” of love & life itself, which hurts so bad, it exceeds even the examples of the moments where I have had my share of the highest level of pain & aches or my tolerance of these.

Sure.
I have dreams which I know I can fulfil.
In fact, I have had a bunch of things I can be proud of.
Not because I have set the bar too low (it is after all, me we’re talking about!), but because I have the mental visualization of its realisation.
Because I know that the road to take is not simple, the sacrifices incurred would not be small and I am willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
In so many aspects of my fulfilling life, I feel that there should be nothing which can put out the fire in me; especially if the dream is a worthwhile goal & I am able to control any sets of circumstances or situations I am in, no matter how absurd or adverse they may appear.
It’s been said that my tenacity, complemented with my intelligence, aptitude & charisma, there should be nothing which could hold me back.

I dare say that I shouldn’t be seen as pretentious or boastful to mention that I have my blocks of effort rewarded & I have the results to show for.

But this time, it’s different.

Totally...

For once in my waking memory, I feel absolutely out of control.
The very fact that I am not able to, or bring myself to, attempt to manipulate this set of circumstances & situation with just my capabilities & my 165 somehow puts me at a standstill.
Never had I felt such stagnancy, even though at times, things may appear to progress well.
Because of the simple truth that nobody, not even I, could gauge if the light at the end of the tunnel is meant for me.
That for the very simple reason as to say if it’s my "right" to claim it, I believe nobody could figure that out as well.
Not even the key players in this game, a game that has already taken its toll on my ailing mental & physical being, can paint a picture in my mind of what sort of a scenario would I logically say I could expect.

Insecure or unsure as I may seem, I do have my limitations.
In other issues, if things look bleak, I may just know how to turn them around to gain the upper hand & grab the advantage.
For I believe winning a battle is nothing if it means losing the war.
And my ability to fully utilise & maximise my resources is legendary among my circle of acquaintance.

However, this issue is different.
It tugs on very strongly in my 3/4 working heart.
It has been evident that even I can make bad judgements when it comes to issues as these.

But then, really, are the things I hold on to seriously that futile that at the end of the day, it would only cause more suffering & pain?
When all's lost, would the smiles & comfort experienced today only be something to feed my memories with?
Am I really throwing myself into the unending well of despair, eventhough the sensations & emotions flying around today seem so promising of a brighter & happier future?
When the curtains are finally drawn, would I walk out of this stage alone; bruised, bloody & fatigued?

Insecure?
You bet.

Lucky Number 7

2009-07-14T14:41:00.001+08:00

"Some of the greater things in life are unseen; that's why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream..."

1 freaky old man with a shopping cart
2 appointments raided by the same bunch of smelly & inconsiderate immigrants
3 phone numbers contacted
4 which made the heart race
5 different locations in 9 hours
6 in total
7 is button to press in future

What a day.

A hiatus of 3 days, I have been using this period to reshuffle the priorities of my life.
The 28" beauty which followed me home on the last day of last month is still standing there looking pretty.
But by the end of this week, it will be impregnated & I shall finally have my freedom.

It’s been a joyride, the emotional roller-coaster of "what ifs", "why don’ts" & "how comes"...

For every action comes a greater or equal reaction.
And through this principle alone, the seemingly silent & blissful one has spoken.

Maybe not in a way which we have expected, but nonetheless, nothing can keep the fact covered & the lid closed anymore.

Whether what was said is sincere or truthful, but the right is not mine to pass judgement.
And would it make a difference to my decision, it is also too late to decide differently.

For the guilt & conscience (or what’s left of it) has boiled over & it involves even more if the decision to retreat is made.

And for once in my life, I felt totally out-of-control.

All because it involves just too many heartbeats, too many restless pillows & simply too many affected appetites, and to say that I am not exactly enjoying the turn of events is definitely an understatement.

Maybe the truthfulness & the passion I have hung on to will make a difference.
Maybe, besides me, others would need to learn to let go.
Maybe the obvious will slowly be seen.
Maybe our tenacity will prevail.

Or maybe, some people will have to learn to 'see' with their hearts.
For the best things will usually elude our eyes.

I have learned to use that gift.
'Coz I have been prepped for 12 years.
And I am ready.

Hopes, Wishes & Expectations...

2009-07-10T10:50:00.003+08:00

"Maybe... you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy..."

HOPE -
[noun]
: something good that you want to happen in the future, or a confident feeling about what will happen in the future

[verb]
: to want something to happen or to be true, and usually have a good reason to think that it might

"H.O.P.E.", my favourite 4-lettered word.
It is hope that keeps me going, the fuel that ignites my passion towards the dream I am striving to achieve & the very fire that keeps me alive.

For without hope, I feel I may as well be dead.

Hope should not be mistaken for wishes or expectations.
They are different, and they apply to different things or aspects in our lives.

I was acquainted with a way of thought not too long ago, that there are 3 levels of hopes, wishes & expectations.

Allow me to illustrate as such;

That in our lives, there are:
- things which we’d need to have;
- things which we’d want to have; and
- things which would be good to have.

Usually, things we need are the basic that we can expect when we make a choice.
When that choice is made, we would want it to be of a certain criteria.
And above all else, if there is an unexpected benefit that comes with the package, it’ll be good to have.

Ponder on this statement:
"It’s Friday again, and I sure 'hope' that this weekend would be a different kind of weekend. Will that be too much to ask for?"

Get it?

Difficult to digest?

Well, try.

At The Beginning – Richard Marx and Donna Lewis

2009-07-10T10:33:00.000+08:00

We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on...
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna going
Love is river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

Can't Smile Without You - Barry Manilow

2009-07-08T14:23:00.001+08:00

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who'da believed that you were part of a dream?
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

Now some people say happiness
Takes so very long to find
Well I'm finding it hard
Leavin' your love behind me

And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you...

Need Help? Don't We All?

2009-07-07T17:16:00.002+08:00

"No matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help too. No matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or a place to sleep, you can give help. Even if it's just a compliment, you can give that!"

Powerful words, I received this as part of an email I received from the wise Counsellor.
Needless to say, this has made my day.

It actually puts me more focused into the tasks at hand, things I have left unaccomplished & people I may have neglected to show more than concern for.
And how energizing it is to receive such beautiful things at trying times such as these.

For however we see things; events take place, tides turn & leaves fall off the tree for a reason.

That reason, having been so elusive to my mind, is now being more apparent.
Assistance, being a noun far more acceptable in our lives today in this fast-paced world is a better way to say "Help".

We give & we take assistance for different reasons.
The more we feel repulsive towards that hand stretched out, the mere fact that it was there may make us feel desolate.
The more we try to run away from those who will stop at nothing to see us happy, the further it will be for us to find that ever-elusive “happiness”.
And maybe, when it truly comes, we may not know them in the form it presents itself, as such, it shall forever be gone & never to be seen.

But only 1 thing is constant in all the quests we may have in life.

That we are constantly looking:
For a peace of mind;
For a better way to live;
For that someone we can truly call our own.

My sincerest congratulations if you have found yours.
I have found mine as well, it’s the convincing her to reach out that will take some effort.

Indecisive Decision, Whatever?

2009-07-06T13:50:00.002+08:00

"Maybe... you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be; because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do..."

The revelations during this weekend are amazing.
Eventhough the light at the end of the tunnel seemed imminent; the way ahead looks bleaker by the second.

Met a guy at a gathering recently who revealed too much of his "profession" – Taking Names, Changing Lives.
Mentioned that it is really not that difficult to do, all it takes is just new travel documents, a certified Death Cert, a sum of money & peace is yours.
Whoah, talk about having a "new lease of life"...

Having announced one of the most controversial decisions I have made to date was not easy for me.
Neither was it just a sip of bliss for my paternal source, as I found out.
But he had to know.
I was to tell him.

Then there was the "brother & brother mamak session" with our YB.
And what an amazing time wehad.
Wow, this fella has really grown up.
But whether the ears have really popped-out, let’s wait & see.

Of course, along the way, there had to be an offer.
An offer which would mean leaving behind all the things which matter dearly to me.
No guarantees whatsoever, not even sure if it is worth it.
But the thought that this could be the only way for me to finally execute my escapism would materialise.
It’s the perfect "get-away", would not be seen as an excuse to "run away", but the question of whether I will be able to withstand the pressure & live up to the expectation is also another factor to my decision.

Plus, a pringles + float session, which, if misconstrued may be seen as an attempt to go back to square 1 & forever be stuck in the "not-so-comfortable" comfort zone.

And then, there is the "breaking the news"
Funny.
Didn’t really get the reaction I was hoping for.
But then again, what kind of reaction was I expecting anyway?

Ah well.
We’ll see.

Lucky Heart, Poor Soul...

2009-07-03T14:44:00.003+08:00

"To truly experience love, you'll have to set it free or be prepared to lose it...
For if it comes back to you, it's yours;
But if it doesn't, it never was..."

How would you feel if you were told the following?

That to finally execute a plan which is something that was agreed upon after numerous effort of talks & negotiation, you’d need to instead fulfil some conditions which you clearly know is absurd?

That if these conditions are not met then it would be “Plan B”, which also comes with ridiculous terms which involves parting with (a huge chunk, like, 3/4 of) your savings & doing what you would not sincerely be faithful to?

That even having gone through this part of the ordeal, the other party still insists on coercing you to forget about both the plans & forget that everything has ever taken place, resume to the "normal" life, but of course: terms & conditions apply?

(It’s ok to go: "W.T.F., you live with the Devil who tricks you with fine print in the contract or what?" because I feel the same)...

Is it my fault that the warmth & care does not add up to the hostile & fervent questioning, acussations & suspicious actions, causing the sensation of restricted movements & oppressive nature of a relationship?

Would it be my problem if the resentment level is at an all-time high due to the fact that the only emotions that can be described is beyond sadness, pity or even are just downright repulsive?

Am I to be blamed that eventhough the fact that I am no longer physically fit to be part of such a roller coaster, that has not in any way deterred the abusive & judgemental ways of dealing with issues but instead has upped the level of difficulties for this 3/4-working heart of mine?

Would it be wrong to have found bliss & comfort in someone who cares & is concerned enough to even ask to keep half of my medication in her handbag, for me, just in case I may need it in an emergency, due to the constant stress, challenges & difficulties I so face on a daily basis?

Thanks to the constant obsessive compulsive behaviour, the feeling of being pushed against the wall or having the head forcefully pressed into the water as desperate attempts to stay afloat to just breathe cannot be denied or withheld any longer.

It has gone to the extend of desperate calls for help to even stay alive.

Well, it maybe another weakened weekend around the corner, but this is the weekend of all weekends.

Hearts will be crushed, lives will change, minds may be lost.

But the only thing I hope to keep intact is my soul.

"Forever Love"

2009-07-03T10:56:00.000+08:00

Artist : Gary Barlow

Love, it has so many beautiful faces
Sharing lives and sharing days
My love it had so many empty spaces
I'm sharing a memory now
I hope that's how it stays

Now I'm deep inside love and still breathing
She is holding my heart in her hand
I'm the closest I've been to believing
This could be love forever

All throughout my life
The reasons I've demanded
But how can I reason
With the reason I'm a man

In a minute I'm needing to hold her
In an hour I'm cold, cold as stone
When she leaves it gets harder and harder
To face life alone

Now my dreams are filled
With times when we're together
Guess what I need from her
Is forever love

Forgive? Forget?

2009-07-01T11:19:00.001+08:00

"Maybe...the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches..."

But do we get to choose what we let go or what we don’t?

If our minds come in partitions (like my laptop which just recently crashed, resulting in my “unplanned” spending of over 1K on a couple of hard disks, since they are new, I was advised to create Drives C &D), it would be easier for us to choose “Format” in the options given.

How often do we hear the phrase “To forgive & forget”?
Do we really forgive?
Can we really forget?

I personally feel that there is not a sin in this world nor a crime which can be committed that cannot be forgiven.
For I truly know that the ultimate salvation, forgiveness, punishment or reprisal should come from the Big Boss alone.

And since He gave us a sensory perceptional ability called “memory”, He either wants us to remember the things we’re set out to achieve in order to attain greater heights & be in His liking; or He wants us to remember the values which makes our lives meaningful so we will understand that He put us all here for a reason.

Whatever this “gift” is for, it has been sort of like a curse to me.
That is not to say I don’t forget things, I just happen to remember even the most painful of words, actions or deeds.

How nice if we can just delete certain things in our minds & just move on?
Wouldn’t it be great if we can just avoid a certain person in a situation hoping they too would forget?
Or would it seriously need a level of brain damage or injury to the head to induce amnesia to truly ever live happily ever after?

Maybe the biggest lesson I have learned over these past few days is to learn to let go.
Not everything, after all, I am convinced & I have been constantly reminded that certain people who would do anything to assist me in this troubled times, even sharing living space.

And then there is the Angel who would even give up parts of her life to see me in a different state of mind.

For this reason alone, I shall, in the words of the Angel: “Walk with pride and passion, and live as a new person!”

The reason is simple: Circumstance is such that a decision has had to be made. No matter how difficult it is to do so, it happens for a reason. And to go back against that decision would cause more hurt & pain.
If the Boss would have an ultimate reason for such a matter to take place, I am sure He will guide us through it.
For never would He give us something we can’t handle.
We may come out of it battered & bruised, but He will ensure we will still walk out of it alive.

That’s the word.
The least we could do is firstly, walk out.
I may not be looking forward to the brightest future, but I am willing to wait more than a few more 12 years for at least a happy one.

If there is still one.

FF's Book of Definitions

2009-06-30T13:40:00.006+08:00

According to the Online Cambridge Dictionary:

dictionary
noun [C]
1 a book that contains a list of words in alphabetical order with their meanings explained or written in another language, or a similar product for use on a computer

2 a book which gives information about a particular subject, in which the entries are given in alphabetical order

I have my own book of definitions as well.
However, they’re more for phrases than single words.

Check this out.

Power-of-Dreams
(no, not the Jap-car manufacturer’s tagline per se):
Hoping that something happens, but knowing it wouldn’t unless something else does, then constant thought of it creates mental pictures in your mind with such clarity even during R.E.M. that it was so realistic in feeling & emotion.
Then, it happens.

Director’s Cut
(what was supposed to have been included into the movie):
When Catwoman pounces in uninvited on Batman & Robyn while they were in the middle of a private dinner in an open restaurant and goes: "Meowwww… can I have a bite?"

Pinnacle of Leadership
(or the sense of it, magnified by some virtues):
That when you speak, all listen & other conversations abruptly stop, even when others have taken the podium before & after you but were not able to draw the attention necessary to bring the message across. Where others have failed, you succeed.

Keeping Calm
(even when shit has hit the fan & you have every right to experience a nervous breakdown):
Still be able to lead a magnificent team to pull off a much anticipated, wonderfully crowded & highly successful event despite the fact that your chest feels tight, your head is throbbing, you’re stuck between the left & right and the counsellor was contacted by hostile forces so now she needs you to contemplate on temporary peace measures.

Soothing The Wrecked
(while all else look bleak):
A simple word uttered & the gentle understanding to reach out & offer a hand to hold on to with the intention to bring about peace, calm & serenity, without expectations & other unworldly desires, just the mere gesture of true care, sincere trust & unconditional love.

The Awakening
(not just physically & mentally awake):
A realisation of the fact that hits you right between the eyes with the revelation that "This is it. No more games.", after you have been confronted by your maternal source that certain quarters appear to be mis-using the privilege of being heard, thus manipulating the turn of events to their favour.

The "Tag-Along"
(could be used on a person, a thing or simply a state of mind):
The irritation that doesn’t seem to want to go away, a persistent sensation of being agitated by a certain source or the fact that someone doesn’t seem to understand or comprehend that there are places you may want to go by yourself & that could be the next best thing to signing your own parole.

Probing Delusional Act of Defiance
(also known as potentially a career-ending deed):
Is when you tell someone that you are going somewhere & they ask to be taken along (refer defined entry above), but you couldn’t because it doesn’t justify the nature of the visit, then in defiance & in an attempt to embed more contempt, call up the place to check if you’re there. Best thing is: you’re really not, but you had to "unintentionally" give the name of the place due to the fact that the truth can neither be accepted nor revealed.

Birthday Present
(to give or to take?):
A 28" Luggage Bag which you purchase after dinner with the strong-willed determination to pack every single piece of belonging & get the heck away from Alcatraz, because the parole offer may end anytime soon, minds may change, plumbing may burst, temperatures may rise & the hope of ever seeing the sun from this side of the globe diminishes by the day. Just remember to bring along the passport in case the country doesn’t deserve this citizen with a strong & inerasable memory anymore.

Scripted Playwright
(when you know that she knows that you know):
Masquerade of words, dances of calculated moves, deliberate steps taken in anticipation of the next. At least till the line on the horizon broadens, no guards will be lowered & there really isn’t any ways to tell if the stalking would end.

Deadline: July.
Dead end? You bet.

A penny for your thoughts?

Theodor Seuss Geisel (March 2, 1904 – September 24, 1991)

2009-06-27T10:35:00.004+08:00

"Be Who You Are & Say What You Feel; 'coz Those Who Mind Don't Matter & Those Who Matter Don't Mind"
- Dr Seuss

In living memory of this great writer, cartoonist & animator, I dedicate this entry.
For the straight-forwardness of the quote above is as direct as it gets & as elusive as ever.

On May 13th 2009, I posted the above as a status update in my Facebook.
And no, it’s not because I am out of ideas that I am repeating myself, I just felt I did not do enough justice to this very meaningful saying.

Just how meaningful, that, we would have to find out.

Because in life, we cannot go on worrying about what others would think or say about us.
As the saying which I hold true: "I can’t control how I am perceived, but I can control how I am presented".

How much allowance is there to be true to yourself, remains a mystery for most of us out there.
For we are all born with a value; what some would know as "conscience".

I call it my mask.

We are restricted by this very value that brings us self-worth.
Knowingly or unknowingly, we are constantly reminded to "go with the flow", "when in Rome, do as the Romans", etc... for the sake of conformity.

W.T.F.?

While, of course, it is almost a pre-requisite in the factual world that we do not necessarily put ourselves "against the grain" most of the time, but does it mean we will have to banish the thought of freedom-of-expression, freedom from oppression & to be honest & true at least to the person who you are building your life to: Yourself?!

I can’t help but envy those who have this luxury.

The very idea that I can live the life I want, to be myself, say what I think & how I feel & be with the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with is so alien to me that I would probably need to unlearn a lot of things in order to finally grasp the possibility of this ever happening.

Maybe if I learn how to let go of my ego & not worry about how others would judge me, I may be able to at least loosen up a little.
(This is not to say I would just blindly go & do the unthinkable!)

Maybe the only way is to make more time for the people who matter, and truly be in the position to be who I really am, even for that short but enjoyable moment.

Maybe I should really get away from those who don’t matter, since they mind so much what I do, where I am, what I say or the way I present myself.

Because, at the end of the day, it’s not only about how many lives you have managed to touch with your sincerity; it is also whether you have been truly sincere to yourself.

Enjoy your weekend.
Because for once, I know I will.

Changes in Our Lives...

2009-06-26T14:24:00.002+08:00

"Maybe... it is true that we don’t know what we should cherish until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what is missing in our lives until it arrives..."

Things change.
People change.
Emotions change.
Feelings change.

Like it or not, the only thing constant in this world is that: "Change is Inevitable".

How do we handle it when this happens?
Do we search for the reason or simply live with it?
Do we ask "what's wrong?" and come up with justifications on why it shouldn’t?

Would we be so heart-broken by the changes that we lose the hope of even looking at the potential good that comes with the change?
Would we instead be blinded by the reality of things that have changed & fail to realise that the very importance of the change is necessary for us to go on living the way we should live our lives?

While it is almost certain that there are basically no guarantees in life, assurances are what keeps us going back to the same things that matter.

An assurance that the company we work for would pay our salaries on time ensures that we (try) to get to work, on time.
However, there is no guarantee that this company will not be forced to close down due to economic uncertainties...

A feeling of assurance that the landlord would not suddenly change the locks to the house because we have been paying our rent on time makes it a secured feeling that we would still (to certain extend) have a roof over our heads.
But please, there is no guarantee that the landlord will put up a notice of eviction for somebody has offered a higher price to buy the house & we’re left with only 1 month’s time to find a new dwelling...

A deep believe & assurance that the one we love would not reject us in any way makes the faith stronger that the person is the right one.
Of course, in this case, even marriage would not be a guarantee, hence the increase in the population of lawyers who would be glad to handle "D" cases...

However, we should also acknowledge that assurances in life come very sparingly.
Guarantees; almost none...
A lot of people take things for granted, as a result of failure to see this fact.

So maybe it's time for a reality check.
That knowing what may potentially leave us would make us cherish them more.
That if we have taken for granted the things in life, it's about time we paid attention.
That if we have not been telling someone we love them, it's only a matter of 3 words; but of course, the short 3-worded sentence would have to come from the blood-pumping muscle.

And then again, we should always be able to see potential in the facets of other things of our lives.
We may not have planned for a certain event, incident or people to make changes in our comfort zones, rendering us in awe & shock so badly that we would be shaken & not be able to move.

We could never tell when the next move is going to shift us in our seats.

And neither could we tell if the people who walk into our lives would be permanently etched in our hearts.
I can feel mine twitch when the Angel tells me that she wouldn't want anything to change...

And besides the inevitability of change, I truly believe that this fact is almost certain, that we will not cherish anything till we lose them & we won’t know what is missing in our lives which we wouldn’t be able to do without until it comes.

As such, I would just be prepared.
Mentally, physically, psychologically & most importantly; emotionally.

So, are you ready?

Mi Manchi, Ti Amor...

2009-06-25T14:01:00.004+08:00

Maybe... there are moments in life when you miss some people so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more...

I awoke today to a brand-new experience.
And it was quite a pleasantly annoying one.

After a "misfire" at Euphoria last night, where some expectations were not entirely fulfilled, since the misty air of a rainy night cleared some doubts & confusion built up in the "non-smoking" club; it was a totally up to a good night’s sleep which I was hoping to depend on to make some sense of the situation.

That even in the company of those I’d trust my life with, having my car parked in the jockey area as a "showcar" in a glamour event, being served with my favourite whiskey, attractions of the feminine side in the area & the music blaring albeit not to the tunes I would really enjoy; even a monk would be found enjoying himself.

Don’t get me wrong.
I did enjoy the evening to a certain extend.

That was until the missing element kicked in with the hope & want of having that element by my side envelopes all other emotions.

I would always be caught silly myself for dreaming of things that happen on a particular day when I am asleep, or event that has just completed, or my deepest & darkest secrets visited, or worse: someone or something that I long for, if I wish it frequently enough.

For like I said before, the complexity of my mind would almost for certain bring in these thoughts even when I am yearning for a break, conjuring all the images & senses & feelings that would somehow seem familiar to me whenever I awake.

It’s painful sometimes, to have to segregate between dreams, fantasies & reality.
Of course, what we’re able to do in our dreams, we should be sane enough not to mix them up.

However, what if by ignoring the dream altogether would mean you may lose some things forever?
How about, if you do not heed the things you’ve seen in those dreams & you may never get to attempt to it at all?
Or what if, by denying the importance of the people you dream of, you may never get to let them know how important they are to you in you life?

I’d say, just do it.
Let them know.

Even if they were to ask you if that’s the only thing you say because they may hear it often enough.

Follow your dreams, don’t worry about the outcome.
Coz you may never have another chance to do so again.

Am I Really Such An Open Book?

2009-06-24T13:30:00.001+08:00

Maybe... the best kind of soul-mate is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had...

And what a wonderful conversation that would be.

For when you are at the crossroad of anxiety & there seemed to be nothing but a bleak sense of uncertainty;
When the road seemed too winding & at times you may even doubt if you could make it out of the situation unscathed;
While all you could ever think of is “How? How? How?” & fail to see the purpose of continuing the journey;
But the Angel sees.

And she is able to tell you the "Why".

I used to think of myself as an owner of a complex mind.
The labyrinth of my thoughts & the many chambers of synapses in the cranial portals of my brain is, too many, an admirable possession.

I used to think that as complex as it may be & as manipulative or advantageous this aptitude may appear, I was confident that nobody would be able to understand or even attempt to comprehend any of my actions, thoughts or feelings.

And I have been openly described as a person of "High I.Q. but Low E.Q."!

That is until, the fact that somebody is able to see through all the other things & zoom in on the matter which disturbs me most.
All these without appearing to really trying hard.

Wow.
Talk about getting a "mental blowjob"!

I figure;
"Is it because we think alike?"
"Was it because we have gone through the same thing?"
"Or could it be that the feeling is such that telepathy has now found a whole new meaning in our lives?"

Whatever it is, it was one of the best conversations I have had for a long time.
For eventhough not much was said, even from my side, but the fact remains that every single thunderbolt the Angel flashed hit its mark.
Every single synapse she touched on brought about new inspiration & new life for the soul.
And every single portal she zoomed in & out of has created more motivation then any 3-day self improvement seminar could have ever imagined to bring achieve.

For today, I breathe anew.
And salvation for greater things awaits.

Emotional Telepathy?

2009-06-23T17:22:00.002+08:00

"When you find that you can be adversely affected by a person through the very moment they frown, fret or even be downright unhappy; and the fact is that they too would be concerned by the slightest show of your emotion – never ever let go..."

And count your lucky stars that you have found that person.
For many people may come & go in the course of our lives, but only those who matter will leave their footprints in our sands of time.

As for me, 1/4 of my heart is already occupied & dedicated to this person.
And she knows it.
How she chooses to use this to her advantage or if she ever would do that is beyond my control.

Remember this phrase from a much earlier entry of mine,
“Love is giving the power to someone to destroy you, and trusting that they won’t”?

One thing I am certain is that I count my blessings everyday for being allowed to share so many things with her, and that I am not in any way being expected to do anything in return or that the relationship is unconditional.

And it wouldn’t be weird anymore to have the same emotions or sentiments or attitude towards things & events (even people) & be counter-affected by each other’s states-of-mind.

Well, let’s just say to be personally described as the person who knows her better than anyone in the world means the world to me.

I envy Robbie Williams not for his fortune & fame, neither his looks nor his voice.
Rather for his opportunity to declare openly that he is “loving angels instead”.

Don’t you envy me instead?

Happy =)

2009-06-23T09:49:00.002+08:00

"Maybe... the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way..."

How true.

When we’re in constant pursuit of something, we may not even seem to have the slightest assurance that certain things will happen.

When the facts are clear that it looks like a lost dream, we would most probably look into what it means to us & what do we do next.

When it’s almost certain that no matter how much we wish for a possibility & be presented with data that the wish does not add up.

All we have by then is to be contend & happy that the other person is.

For having the best of everything will not mean anything if we would lose the very principles of our lives.
For the simple fact that nothing should be expected & sense of security is not even a question, when all seemed bleak & there is no road till the end of the journey.

But that doesn’t mean we should stop having a glimmer of hope.
For life presents itself in mysterious ways, eventhough we could just be pleasantly surprised, it is as close as the wish can come true.
As such, whatever may happen, even if it was not intended the way it was, it came.

I have had my share of great news today under the circumstances.
I chose to make the best of it, because, after all, it was a dream.

And to say that today would probably be one of the happiest days in my life would be such an understatement, for I have waited, wished, hoped, got slightly disappointed only to be lifted up to my highest level of happiness.

This is a moment which I would cherish in my memory for the rest of my life.
And to think that I used to hate "surprises"...

But today, I am truly grateful...
Thank you.

Perhaps Love - John Denver

2009-06-22T13:43:00.001+08:00

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Oh, love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of change
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

Fah Fah The Changed...

2009-06-22T13:20:00.001+08:00

"Maybe giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours..."

And what a weekend it has been.

One moment, I was gasping for air to breathe in my own space; then I was excited with the new-found emotional freedom to finally be myself; till I can’t seem to be able to find the meaning I want from being in that very state anymore.

Some close friends are beginning to see some changes in actions in an otherwise “not-so-encouraging” situation & wonder “why”?
Some have even gone to the extend of making their own assumptions & try to paint a picture in their heads as to where this story will finally lead to.

Whether they are still asking, this is all I’ve got to say: I made my choice.

I truly believe that, in life, every single choice we make comes with a certain price or sacrifice.
Be it to do or not do certain things, as we have decided, there is be bound to repercussions.
To have or not to have certain things also comes with a cost.
And to choose to love or not love someone makes such an impact that some people find ending their lives to be the only price they could pay for the sacrifices thy have made.

If given so much of a “choice”, who would want to be in such a situation?
Wouldn’t it be happier to “choose” the more convenient over the not-so-conventional; and risk being judged, being “counseled”, or even being tormented by others or just simply by a state-of-mind filled with expectations?

As bitter as it sounds, I believe no one would be able to say that the set of circumstances that they are in is the direct result of their choice & that they are happy to just let it be.
Maybe these people are contended with what life has thrown at them as the result of what they have given.
But then again, contentment is also one of the reasons the world is what it is.

So, where do we really find happiness in the choices that we have made?
Would it be acceptable to for a moment just expect something out of it?
Would we actually be able to tell when that certain happiness has “arrived”?

Would it be too much to ask for if we would simply just need a little bit of assurance that this love we feel is also as strong in the one that we love?

Or would the header of this entry explain itself, that we be contented with the love that grew in our hearts?

I don’t know for sure.
Otherwise, I would not have something to blog about.

"D"-Day: "D" for Decision...

2009-06-19T11:37:00.002+08:00

Maybe... to truly love someone you’ll have to give them the space to breathe & grow, even if it means you’ll have to leave them alone...

Last night was one of the most meaningful of my life.
Not just that I managed to keep a couple of dear buddies awake well into the wee hours of the morning, it was also the one true night that all that was kept in our hearts (hers & mine) pouring & somehow, messages were sent & words found new meanings.

Of course, it was emotional.
Otherwise, there would not be a need for an intermediary.
And we were blessed to have a very good one as well.
For her willingness to play this part to such extend & with such effect, I sincerely know that I shall be eternally grateful.

But the hope of what was said & decided should not be mistakenly perceived as merely an act or stage play never escaped my mind.
In a relationship, we believe that it takes 2 to tango.
In a compromise, it should not only involve a single party trying to make things work.
In a decision made, somebody will get hurt, and most of the time, both parties end up having to heal wounds.

For love is not about being in or keeping in possession.
Sometimes, to truly love someone or something, we may just have to set them free.
Our seemingly “undivided attention” or “unwavering affection” may just be too much for that someone to handle, especially when there is so much emotional & psychological aspects to the relationship.

Look at it as trying to carry an egg with our bare hands to a destination of great distance.
How we handle the egg is literally its salvation, for if we hold on to loosely we may drop it; but if we cradle it too tightly, we may just break it.

“Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each other;
Even lovers need a holiday, far away from each other...”

And maybe, absence may just make the heart grow fonder.
If I choose it that way.

All I can say now is:
"I wish you the strength, the will & the best of luck...
Most of all, I wish you love..."

And the ride ends...

2009-06-18T14:32:00.002+08:00

Maybe... we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift...

When I saw this statement along with a few very meaningful ones through an email I received today from a friend, I almost felt my heart stop.

And for those who are close enough, they’d know that it is not a good thing if I feel any sensations of the cardiovascular kind.

But this time, it felt that way for an entirely different reason.
Because, never in my life have I found a statement so profoundly powerful (& timely) that I was virtually feeling as though God has just touched my head & say:

“Hey kid, this is for you. Hang in there...”

So often I tell myself, challenges come & go.
Would there be any challenge that anyone would have to give up everything in their lives just to see the dawn of a new beginning, to expect life to change & hope for the best future one could probably perceive to exist?

What is involved, when the word “everything” is used in this instance?
Sacrifice...

Would it be money?
Would it be freedom?
Would it be their right to live from away from oppression & fear of unfairness?

Would it mean to give up the love for that someone who matters most?

Would there be anything else which matter?

The journey of life is a colourful one, an adventure if you may & we’re bound to meet with ups & downs.

Haha... how often have we not been reminded with this statement.

But truly, how many of us really know what it means?

As for me, it is simple.
But not necessarily of my choosing.

There are times when I know in order for me to do something which I like, there is bound to be some sort of sacrifice.
Whenever there is something I wish to reward myself with, I have to let go of something in return.
And to be with the people I truly enjoy being with, I would most probably have to forgo certain things for that certain moment.

What a way to live, eh?
And since the opening to this blog did mention “someone”, I guess this could be described as one of the most direct entry in this blog.
All this while, I have been blogging in parables not to arrogantly pronounce my aptitude in the English language or to show off my ability to speak metaphorically.

Not at all.

I did all these for the sake of keeping my integrity as a person, to avoid others from getting hurt & to maintain a certain level of self esteem.

However, as one of my best mates have put to me:
“Have faith & be strong. Never lose sight of the thing that you want to achieve. Whatever it is, do not allow the very essence of the principles of your life to destroy your self esteem & in the end, lose your soul...”

For today is judgment day of some sorts.
The decisions I am bound to make, either a “yes” or “no” is unavoidably painful for everyone.
As I have been in darkness & I am failing to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel that I will have to crawl my way out as soon as I can.

I will choose the way I want to live & hope to make my life better for the person whom I have finally met.
I owe her that much to see that I am better off of this emotional roller-coaster.

Because, for those who care, I shall put in more time, concern & effort.
Even if nothing more than just companionship can be expected, since nobody expects anything anyway.
I shall be grateful for this gift which is time-tested for 144 months.

And I know, I shall never look back.

Kindness or Weakness?

2009-06-16T11:25:00.002+08:00

It’s amazing.
How some people can misinterpret our intentions or are deliberately manipulating them.

Why do I say that?
Well…

How often has it been that you have volunteered to do a certain thing for your colleague in the name of goodwill because you know he or she has loads of things to cover & besides, it is something which you enjoy doing, only to be thrown unnecessary tasks or jobs by the same fella you have assisted some time back, not taking into consideration even to ask if you have the extra time to “help” him or her out this time around?

Have you been in a situation where you have volunteered to do something, only having in the end stuck with the same assignment over & over eventhough there are others who can easily stand up to do it since you have already done your part & you’re ready to move on to something more challenging that interests you?

Or, have you known anybody who takes psychological advantage of your kindness you shown, knowing for a fact that it would be downright unacceptable or degrading to undermine your care & concern with remarks or actions which put you at risk of making emotional decisions especially those which you may regret?

This is the classic example of how people can mistake our kindness for weakness…

How much more can we give & take?

Funny, how some fail to see that to compromise actually means that both parties would have to come to a common ground, a common understanding, even if the objectives are different, in order to achieve them would need a lot of effort to come to an amicable “win-win situation”…

When either side chooses to take all the time, where will it end?
If the other side keeps giving in, how soon will fatigue set in?
How long would it take for this “one-sided” compromise to lose the very meaning of its existence?

Things cannot be seen on a “right or wrong” perspective when a compromise needs to be set in motion.
It is the very reason why there should be give & take because no particular person should be seen the entire victor (right party) or loser (wrong party).
When this simple fact cannot be established, the compromise will fail.

However, give & take or compromising is by no means a solution.
It is only a way or method, if you will, to set aside differences to achieve a certain goal, to meet certain objectives, or to certain extend, to make a relationship work.

If only some people can understand enough not to take advantage of the giving party all the time, I am pretty sure the world would be a better place to live in.

Human beings are social beings.
We need the attention of the people who care for us, because at the end of the day, this is what matter to us most.
But if we need to be precarious of our thoughts, our words or even our unintentional actions in order not to jeopardise the compromise in the fear of losing grip & be threatened by things we do not wish to face, I’d say we may as well be alone.

Because in life, not everything lost can be found.
Especially when it truly justifies the means...

A Weekend Away in the State of Solidarity

2009-06-15T11:37:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes you think you know a lot; about life & love, but in actual fact you know nothing at all"...

Ahhh… Monday.
Some people dread it, most loathe it.
I can safely say a majority of the population would even wish it’ll never come…

As for me, I gladly welcome it.
For it means a whole new week, the start of a different row in the calendar & the opportunity to meet with the things & important people of my life.

But that doesn’t mean the Angel doesn’t have her wings around me on weekends.
Just through remote control.

And what a weekend it has been.
Solidarity is a new-found State in my map.
The serenity of its peaceful pastures, the free-flowing river with waters of inspiration & the richness of its soil of hope so entices me to stay on, & I truly feel very at ease whenever I come to realise its grace.

However, when I took a long walk to the other side of this state, there also lies a sea of doubts & wonders, a lake of unseen depth of despair, an unexplored forest of uncertainty & the hidden cave of eternal darkness.

As bright as the sun may shine, it still sets at the end of the day, giving way for the moon & its partners of the nocturnal glory to roam the land.
As blue as the sky, there are also clouds to that hang on to it with the zest of freshness in its rain that cools the air.
As vast as the possibility of the sea, it still is the Mother of All Creatures.
As perfect as this picture paints, the potential of a tidal wave or storm brewing is still inevitable.

Perfect World?
Think again.

No doubt.
No matter where we are or choose to be, the fact remains that there really is no running away from the things we need to face.
Things that are not as predictable as the rain, since the sky may darken to signal its arrival (most of the time, that is). But we need to face the pitter patter that fall on us.
Its how we deal with the sensation of its droplets when they hit our heads or faces that makes us worthy of life itself.

There would come a moment in time when we will face the dilemma of doing the convenient over the righteous.
Whether we feel that the easiest solution is just our way to run away & hide from torment & the flood of mass-opinion or it’s just our way to hold an umbrella over the rain to shield ourselves, if we’re not being true to ourselves then what difference does it make?

Would it be a way to tell if there is indeed a method to face all these?
Would we then realise that our biggest strength actually turns out to be our weakness?
Would it mean that in order to be fair to yourself, you have to be unfair to others?
Would we, in the end, in our effort to find our own State of Solidarity forgo things which seemed do not matter but in actual fact does?
Would it then be worth finding for keeps?

Want the postcode?

The Chicane of Loneliness

2009-06-13T12:32:00.001+08:00

Here it is again.

After 120 hours of manic-Monday to TGI Friday + another few hours of partial consciousness on a (working) Saturday morning, comes the lonely & disconnected weekend.

Let’s seriously hope that this moment of silence could do some good in my effort to untie some knots which I choose to untie.

See you all next week.
Pray that I pull through.

Enjoy your weekends, since I wont't have that luxury, you guys might as well have a good one...

The "KELUAR" Sign

2009-06-12T14:20:00.000+08:00

Malaysia is a prosperous country.
Whether you like it or not, or have any comments on how it’s being run, we cannot deny we actually have some of the most spectacular & interesting feats of architectural achievements.

One of the reasons for this is the regulatory enforcement requirements.

And I believe nothing illuminates in the most conspicuous way than a fixture which is compulsory: The “KELUAR” sign.

The “exit” sign is a must in all commercial venues.
It is powered by its own self-sustaining power source.
It is meant to save lives.

If only in life we can just “up & go”, then follow the sign which reads KELUAR…

It may sound as though it is being used as an excuse to run away from certain things.
But when the fire draws near, it may the only chance to ever survive that ordeal.

How is it an option?
Would the mere thought of self-preservation mean that the person thinking of fleeing is a selfish person?
Don’t he / she have the right to live?

I can see the KELUAR sign.
It’s been there all this while.
It’s just had a bulb changed.

And I am glad that even during a black-out, the battery has not run out.
Chances are one I am out; I would not look back ever again…

Holy Guacamole...

2009-06-11T10:33:00.002+08:00

Challenges.
We face these every day of our lives.

Battles.
Everybody is fighting one every day.

Setbacks.
Things don’t always turn out the way we want them, but it is how life is…

Or is it?

What if: when Robyn unmasked Batman, the truth revealed & the cat’s out of the bag… however, unknowingly, Catwoman was sneaky enough to secretly listen in to every detail of the conversation? Oops? Well, it happens…

What if: you received an email from your Superior whom you look up to as one of those you would have thought could understand what you are going through, but the message you received makes you feel useless & downright not worthy of what it is you have been striving so hard to achieve?
Yea, well, it happens…

What if: the single most precious thing to you is disclosed, from the very person you have been trying to shield it from, and you have been trying to salvage the memories because it has been the sole energy that has been propelling you onwards through the thick & thin of life? All because of a flaw in the technology you have grown to trust only to fail you when it matters most & all the things you have been trying to hide is now all out in the open?
Too bad, but then again, well, it happens…

What if: you can only find the courage for a pinch of sincerity & the only space left in your mind for the truthfulness of your being is only limited to a small space in your daily jottings but somehow it’s taken away (even for a few days) due to your laptop crashing when you need it to serve its purpose most, of all times?
Oh crap. Well, of course it happens…

But what if I said I had to have all these happen all at once?

Wow.
Now that truly s**ks…
But what to do?
Sh*t happens…

Move on.
I shall not dwell on any of these.
Storms or tidal waves have no right to bring me down, simply because there is just too much at stake & I know I am good enough to rough it through.

People who care, people who are concerned & people who would do anything just to see me happily succeeding in my endeavours.

These people are truly what matter to me.
And I shall cherish this.

Even if there’s only one person.
Even if it’s just the Angel, I will continue to strive on, press on & move on.
For it is only this that matter.

Weekend, Again?

2009-06-05T17:10:00.000+08:00

In less than half an hour, the 5-day work week people will celebrate the Advent of a 48-hour freedom.

Ah, yes.
It’s known as the weekend.

In my case, eventhough my current employment allows a day off on every 1st & 3rd Saturday of the month, it doesn’t really serve a purpose.

For in fact, I do not feel lonelier than I ever do on weekends.

And to think that I am of the workaholic type would be blasphemous to the species…

Could it be dependency?
Or is it an addiction?
Maybe it’s just simply the part where I know I would miss so much for 48 hours?

I may be surrounded by friends & family, but still…

Hope this weekend could be different.
Well, wish me luck.

Of Car Chases and Police 'N' Thieves...

2009-06-05T12:15:00.001+08:00

“One, Two, Juice!”

“Lata-lee-lata-lee-tam plom!”

“Police & Thief, Police jaga... Police mati, Pencuri jaga...”

Back in the early 80s, when I was growing up, these were the usual sounds that were heard at the school playing fields during that 20-minute break time we call recess.

I remember the fun we had chasing down a friend (or a bunch of them) as they were the “thieves” and I was usually the “police”. Never liked to be a thief, even if I was “made” one when I lost the “one, two, juice” thing, I would still turn around and make the “police” fellas suffer.

That’s how I used to play.
Those were the days.

I wonder if kids nowadays still do this.

But times have changed.
In this times of technological advancement, the only chasing down we see in schools could very much be on the PSP that the kids bring to school.

Does it mean that there isn’t anymore fun in the “Police & Thief” scenarios that we fondly miss?

Maybe not.
Just that the element of fun is no longer there.
And as we have advanced, so has our mode of transport.

Police & Thief is now played on wheels.
Like a car chase.

Chee kau sin!!!

Exciting?
You bet.

Wanna try?

Commitment, Roles & Responsibility

2009-06-04T11:35:00.000+08:00

According to the Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary:

Commitment [noun]:
1 [C or U] when you are willing to give your time and energy to something that you believe in, or a promise or firm decision to do something
2 [C] something that you must do or deal with that takes your time

Funny that both definitions are measured with an amount of “time”…
But isn’t it time that heals all wounds, makes almost every wrong a right, that it doesn’t wait for no man?

How often do we find ourselves trapped within the tides of time, only to realize that the things that we have been looking forward to may never happen?

Haven’t we seen enough that often times, people see commitment as something that just happens when it’s most convenient?

Wouldn’t it sound too familiar when we equate our expectations to certain things only to find out that the levels of commitment from the others do not justify the cause in the first place?

I have done my share of soul-searching these couple of days.
To gauge if the certain sets of commitment I have, well, committed to, would really be worth all my “time” after all.
The roles & responsibilities that weigh down upon this pair of shoulders, I sometimes wonder if I would walk out alive, or better still, walk out on them while I am still alive.

For there are expectations; the very notion that keeps the people looking up our way.
There are responsibilities; for without these goes our very reason of survival.
And there is commitment; for doing all these would mean doing away with the least of convenience we can afford & hold on to the role as tightly as we can.

While we still can.
But there never was a choice.
To close the door and never look back.

Mask of Disguise?

2009-06-02T13:56:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if we would be better off we all wore masks…

Why do I think that?
Hmm… Imagine with me if you will.

I bet there are times in life when we ourselves don’t know who we are, or what we want to be or who we are trying to become. How do we face the world or the people around us?

It is not always that we have the good fortune of soulmates or companions who wouldn’t judge us for the things we try to do, hope to do or fail to do.

Whether or not they understand what it is that we are going through, the care & compassion is unconditional.
The support that they extend, the healing touch when we reach out our hand, the gentle voice we long to hear when it is the darkest moment of our lives, never hesitant & unwavering…
Sounds like the perfect description of love, doesn’t it?

I also believe that it would be tiring.
Most probably due to the fact that so much is expected of us at the end of the day, where the only refuge we can seek solace from is our fatigued heart.
And it’s been described that poor souls only have their own to depend upon.

My close acquaintances would testify that one of my most-priced possessions would be my car.
Many would expect that I dedicate at least a few entries into this blog to it.

However, this may be the first to a few.

You see, I realized a week ago that a crack at the paint appeared mysteriously at the side of my skirting.
I didn’t have to think too hard for a solution.

I masked it with some cosmetically made-to-design stickers.
Voila. One flaw covered.

Which brings me to ask:
Is it as easy for us to mask our flaws in life?
Would it be acceptable for us to cover our own character shortcomings?
Wouldn’t that be known as being not true to oneself?

But the questions remain.
Are we strong enough to show what’s beneath the mask, instead of hiding behind the charisma of an alter-ego?
Would Batman still be Batman if he lets Robyn unmask him?

Do we wear them?
Or have we forgotten how to take them off?

Lyrics to the Song...

2009-06-02T11:03:00.002+08:00

And I am totally stunned at the very fact that this song will always reduce me to tears...

Enjoy it.

In The Arms Of The Angel
Sarah McLaughlin

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Far away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find, some comfort here

So tired of that straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
All this glory or sadness,
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

2009-06-02T10:51:00.000+08:00

sarah mclaughlin MP3 from Free MP3 Downloads

The Day After The Flu...

2009-06-01T10:36:00.003+08:00

“If tomorrow never comes, would she know how much I love her;
Did I try in every way, to show her everyday, she’s my only one;
If my time on Earth were through, she must face this world without me;
Is the love I gave her in the past, gonna be enough to last;
If tomorrow never comes…”

Sometimes I wonder: if our deeds reflect on our innermost emotions; would we wanna handle ourselves differently in order to cover up how we feel about certain things, certain events, or worse still, certain people?

How do we be subtle in the things we do or say, in order not to give too much away?

It’s been said, we are the company we keep.
We be amongst liars, we lie.
We befriend charitable folks, we give.
We group with emotional yuppies, we sulk & ask “Why me?”

So, how are we supposed to treat the people around us besides well enough to let them know that we enjoy their company & hope they enjoyed being with us as well?

I lost a small battle to the F&F (fever & flu) 2 days back.
The doctor did not even consider giving me a jab despite recording a temperature of almost 40 degrees C.
He even refused to take my BP, saying that with such a high fever, it’s bound to go off the charts, so “don’t bother”…

Oh boy.

Many things were flying around in my head…
- What if the fever takes away most of my brain functions? What would I rather give up?
- What if the flu is not as simple a diagnosis as we perceived? Did I get it from one of the jokers who just came back from abroad?
- What if the meds counter-react with my current meds? Will I still wake up to a familiar environment?
- Would I have done & said enough to the people I care about so that they will truly know how I really feel towards them? Have I done enough good to be remembered as I would want to be remembered?

Lucky for me, I survived to blog about it...

Well, I guess if all the things I have said & done are not enough to truly show my true emotions, I believe there won’t be anymore ways to do it.
Some are even placing bets that what I am thinking is such.
Go figure.

I read this statement posted through our Company's Default PC Wallpaper (you see, it's our company's policy that all PC Wallpapers are standardized by IT Dept, so that it could also be used as a means to disseminate information, no matter how ugly or bad-taste it could appear to be...) but this piece really got me when it aired...

"Do not save your loving words for your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones speak them rather now instead"...

What if tomorrow never comes?
How much have you said or done enough to let them know of how you feel?

Leave A Light On - Belinda Carlisle (Lyrics)

2009-05-29T12:24:00.003+08:00

Since I posted the link to the Minus One, might as well sing to the lyrics I post here... And realise that in the lyrics, the essence of all emo is found...

Take my hand
Tell me what you are feeling
Understand
This is just the beginning

Although I have to go
It makes me feel like crying
I don't know when I'll see you again

Darling leave a light on for me
I'll be there before you close the door
To give you all the love that you need
Darling leave a light on for me
'cause when the world takes me away
You are still the air that I breathe

I can't explain I don't know
Just how far I have to go
But darling I'll keep the key
Just leave a light on for me

Yes I know
What I'm asking is crazy
You could go
Just get tired of waiting
But if I lose your love
Torn out by my desire
That would be the one regret of my life

Just like a spark lights up the dark
Baby that's your heart

Leave A Light On - Belinda Carlisle (Minus One)

2009-05-29T12:21:00.001+08:00

Click here to get Free Music at EZ-Tracks.com

Fatigue of the Intelligent Kind...

2009-05-29T12:05:00.000+08:00

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
– Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)

How true.
For to know more than you should comes with a cost.

Whether we like it or not, all heads turn our direction when we are considered the knowledgeable.
Whether we enjoy it, the tasks don’t seem to go away if we don’t inspire it to move.
And whether or not we seem to care, people always feel that the ball is in our court.

Does this always mean that the intelligent will have to find the way out for the others all the time?
Would it be justifiable to say that this group of elite should be the masters of others’ fate?
And it is so difficult to allow us the space we need to do what we want to do, when we want to do it with the people that matter to us most?

The challenge is that the key factor here is dependency.
The intelligent ones are usually the ones that are depended upon to make intelligent & intellectual decisions, whether or not it is necessary to make them.
The others simply could not comprehend beyond their level of intelligence to learn that all things do not necessarily revolve around what can be done & their inability to get things done.
As such, the easy way out for these people is to just simply to rely on those who know because by default, “They will do a good job, easier life for all of us…”

Haih…
Penat, tau?

If there are questions in life we hope to find the answers to, it’ll be these:

Where does this leave us, the kind that is considered intelligent?
What’s our refuge from the ever-dependent people we bump into everyday?
How do we find the outlet to escape from all these responsibility, whether or not we choose to receive them?

Some say “the smarts” is a curse…
What say you?

Directions in Life: Merely Words?

2009-05-27T14:24:00.001+08:00

"To get to where you'd wanna go, firstly you've gotta know where you are..."

I’m sure this is not the first time any of you would have heard this.
But I can’t repeat this phrase in my head more often than these few couple of days.

To those who drive, you’d probably figure that when you turn your steering to the left, it is only expected that the car will turn that direction.

To those car-modification enthusiasts whom I have had the privilege to be acquainted with, knowing where to point the car “properly” would mean you would most certainly need to install what is known as a strut-bar or an undercar anti-roll bar.

Or what about those “Global Positioning System” gadgets that we all fondly call GPS?
Do we rely on them enough to lose our way if we don’t carry them along?

What if the GPS goes into “emo mood” & take you around in circles, like I have had the fortune to experience last night, much to the delight of the Angel who couldn’t help but laugh all the way till we raised our belief level to trust the signboards & subsequently found our way out of the predicament?

Well, if the sense of direction can be enhanced with a couple of modifications & gadgets, don’t you think there would be virtually nothing that cannot be achieved, simply because knowing where to head will probably get you there, safe & sound?

But we know that live is not just about maps, junctions, signboards, speed limits, emo GPSs…
It is also about knowing when to slow down when the speed bump approaches, to put on an indicator light when shifting lanes, of winding down the window or just tapping the horn lightly to acknowledge the familiar ride of our friends’ when we spot them, so on so forth…

So why is it such a hassle to even make the right judgement when it comes to life?
Which way do we take?
How fast should we go?
Do we trust our GPSs (of which from now on, I’d use sparingly)?
Do we really need to acknowledge spotting that friend while we drive past the ride?

More importantly, do we need to say what we feel or how deeply we feel about someone or something just so that the direction is not lost?

Is it really that important to express them?
You decide.

For directions in life are merely words.

So, what say you?

ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-26T16:25:00.002+08:00

It’s such a challenging day at the blogspot today, thanks mainly to TMNet.

I have actually completed a piece about leadership.
Those close to me would know that any entry into my blog is something I really cherish, mean & feel.
As such, I may start an hour beforehand as it takes about that duration to finally complete one & feel totally excited when I click on the “Publish Post” button.

But after I completed my earlier piece, as I clicked the “moment of truth”, the internet connection conveniently died on me. The page expired & could not be refreshed.

Worse, the post disappeared.

Neither was I able to fully utilize the Draft section of blogspot.
The draft disappeared as well, after I have right-clicked on it to “Select All” in order for me to copy & paste it in, just in case…

Oh, what a ride!

Well, looking at it & as the Angel said: “Maybe it’s not meant to be published”…
Maybe, let’s just wait if the synapses would want to connect at that same place so that I would be again inspired to write about it & let everyone have a share of it.

Watch this space.

I can choose to let this ruin the rest of the day, much to the discomfort of those who would share it with me.
Or I can seize this opportunity to do some thinking of how to avoid this in future…

In the meantime, have an awesome & meaningful evening ahead.
I know I will… :)

What's the Difference in Change?

2009-05-25T10:48:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes you meet someone who changes your life; but that doesn't mean your life has to change"...

In life, we meet a lot of people.
Unknowingly, we cross the path of many people without realising if we would affect them in some way or another.

At the cafe for breakfast, at work in the office or when we attend to an appointment, during lunch, after office hours at the mamak stall while having a cuppa after a long day, at the restaurant when it's time to have a decend meal before heading on home, etc....

Some, we remember their names.
Others, if we have crossed paths, their faces.

Most of the time, we play a role in changing others without realising it.
Imagine ordering the last piece of chicken, leaving the person next in the queue having to settle for fish, only to be served an uncooked one, resulting in food poisoning.

Or taking a little too long at the petrol pump, causing certain uneasiness to the car behind us, but in the end saved the driver's life because you made him leave the pump a few seconds later just to avoid an accident at the exit of the station...

Extreme examples?
Think again...

However, closer to heart, it could be our family members, the acquaintances, ex-schoolmates, friends, soul-mates, or even our - what do we call them - life partners?...

We know that nothing is permanent, that all relationship(s) will somehow end no matter what, either through choice, change of events or through the natural process of life & death.

When these people enter our lives, to a certain extend our lives change.
Whether for the better or for the worse, we can neither doubt their influence nor deny their effect they will have on us.
Expectations, circumstances, situations that we can either control or we can't, dictate that these changes will take place in a subtle manner in most cases, or profoundly in many more.

So, how do we live up to this?
Do we change as well, adapting to the needs & wants of these people?
Do we change because they are there to change our lives?
Do we change because we need to make these people happy & we want to keep them around us?

Or do we change because it would simply mean we would be redundant, stuck with the unpleasant circumstances we brought on ourselves & head towards a downward spiral if we don't?

Does it matter if these people are newly-made acquaintances, a sibling, a soul-mate or a close friend of a thousand years?

Or best still, what if the change is so necessary that it would mean your reputation & all that you have build in your life?

In life people walk in & out of our sands of time.
But only those who matter will leave a deep footprint in our hearts.

How often does this happen to you?

Work, Strive, Attain, Enjoy...

2009-05-24T14:33:00.002+08:00

"Success is the Progressive Realization of a Worthwhile Dream!"

I was acquainted to this phrase some time back in my life.
And being quite young & hot-blooded those days when I heard it, it made almost no sense.

Just like the saying I related earlier about how facts don't matter if the dream is big enough, which to many folks, is incoherent & utterly rubbish.

For the true dream is not just about the dream car, dream house, dream vacation, dream girl, etc...

I remember that when I had to learn, unlearn & relearn a lot of stuff to truly understand what these sayings mean, it was a very painful process.
Because those who cared did not want to see the changes, and those who changed no longer cared.

But all these years of building the dream, all the principles picked up & the reputation I may have built, nothing would make a more lasting impression at the back of my head than the fact that dreams are real.

However, the elements & principles into making that worthwhile dream attainable is the true test of character...

Without working for it, we cannot lay claim to it.
Without striving, each day takes us further away from it.

When we attain it, will we be truly able to recognise it?
And when the day comes to enjoy it, would it really matter anymore?

I have reminded myself that nobody in this world has got the right to steal away my dreams & pull me away from my goals.

For the true test of character is that when the curtains are down, when the stage is already cleared & when nobody else is still watching, the right things are done & the principles upheld.

My journey to even identify my real true dream has gone through a rough & winding route.

But I can gladly say, with my head held high, "I love every minute of it & nobody will take this away from me, unless I do so choose."

So, what's your story, Morning Glory?

Building Dreams, Crushing Lives...

2009-05-23T12:14:00.002+08:00

"If the Dreams are BIG enough, the facts don't count!"

Dreams are meant to be the fuel of our lives.

Without dreams, it would mean that we are already dead from the neck up.

Some dreams would actually propel us to exceed ourselves, to inspire us to put in extra effort, some even make us extraordinary & take us places or experiences that are beyond our wildest, well, imagination...

I am somehow not talking about those that we experience during R.E.M. after a long & tiring day of staying awake.

But what if achieving that dream would mean crushing everything that you have stood for or what your life meaning is all about?

What if you would have to throw everything you have built to the wind?

Would that still be considered a dream?

A lot of us fail to understand the difference between goals, plans, fantasies.
Most of us just say: "I wish I had..." or "It'll be nice to have..." or "Wouldn't it be good to..."

Will it be too difficult to put your heart, mind and soul into something worthwhile & say:
"Now, that's what I will set out to achieve."

Difficult?
Yes.

But imagine your world without dreams.

So, what's yours?

Let Go, Start Living...

2009-05-22T21:13:00.003+08:00

"Sometimes you must let go of the life you've planned in order to make room for the life ahead of you"...

Wow.
Got that from a book I was browsing at the MPH of BTS today.

Makes me wonder, whether the things we hang on to really is all that worth it.

Some people call it the bane of memories, some would take it as the merit of knowing how to plan.

While some would take it as it comes, some could never live to see it coming.

No matter what, we were all meant to choose to do something.
Even choosing not to is a choice.

So, defines what others would know as ambition.
And to many people who don't achieve theirs, they would rather hang on till they breathe their last...

We are often so caught up in the things which we look forward to, that we expect, that we have planned to happen. How often is it that we learn to relieve ourselves from all these & reflect;
"Is this what I really want?"

For one thing that I've learned, is that in order to be who or what I am supposed to, I'd need to do some forgetting;
- Forget the past achievements otherwise I'd be so stuck with feeling good about myself bringing about complacency,
- Forget about what is expected of me in the beginning, otherwise I'd be fashioned towards what others would like me to be, not what I'd like myself to be,
- Forget about the things which would bring me down, lighten up & move on to greater heights...

I seriously feel that it is all beginning to make sense.
Of course, there are certainly things that we should hold on to.

But what do you think?
Wouldn't it be a happier world if we all learned how to let go & start living?

Me: the Mood-swinging Rotty...

2009-05-21T11:28:00.003+08:00

"A Setback is a Set-up for a Comeback"...

Familiar?

I heard this phrase some time back.
Been thinking, all this while, I am a good practitioner of its essence.

These few days, with so many things happening & all the emotions that have been going to & fro, I was proven wrong.

For a self-proclaimed egolomaniac, I found that I really did not have such a thick face.
Not for the ability to handle rejections, make good emotional judgements and certainly not accepting what I would consider, a defeat.

But the Angel was quick to assure me, it was not a defeat.
It was a matter of circumstances...
The judgement she passed was not going to be not an easy one for her as well.

Ah well...

In the course of all this turmoil, endless hours of soul-searching & heart-wrenching conversations, many people got hurt.

I can only hope that nobody got badly scarred.
Especially those I care for the most.

I would describe myself to be articulate.
I have also been described as a person with exceptional communication skills.
But alas, the Great Communicator has failed to communicate the most basic of needs;
The Need for Love.

There hasn't been many ocassions which I would be caught withot a line to rescue myself out of a situation, but during this ordeal, I was amazed at how speechless I could become or how it would feel to actually stammer & stutter!

But it is all behind us now.
We look forward to today & the rest of our days to come with our chins up & our heads held high.

For today, we begin another chapter.

A new chapter that epitomises the character of strength, willpower & integrity.
Needless to say, it is the epitome of love.

It also reflects that eventhough we do not realise it, even dreams do come true, just probably not in the fashion we want it to be.

The setback has given us a platform to propel ourselves to even higher & more satisfying levels of understanding.

Most importantly, how difficult would it be to be in a living hell when you have your Angel by your side?

The moods that swing up & down have finally touched ground.
There should be no regrets, for love means you do not have to say you're sorry.

So, how's your mood today?

When Love & Hate Collide

2009-05-20T17:04:00.000+08:00

“Got a time, got a chance, gonna make it; got my hands on your heart gonna take it;
All I know, I can’t fight this way;
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind;
‘Coz I’m crazy bout you baby, time after time…

Without you one night alone;
It’s like a year without you baby, do you have a heart of stone;
Without you, can’t stop the hurt inside…”

Hmm...
Great tune.
Having known this song since my teens, it’s about time it reflects now in my own life.

It’s truly an experience to encounter these extremes of emotions.

Where there is light, there is darkness;
Where there’s life, there’s death.

Where there’s joy, there would be sadness.
But can’t love just prevail without hatred?

This could be one of the most mind-boggling entries in this blog to date.
For those who deciphered the “How Many More 12s”, this could use a bit of mental strength.

For there is no more holding back.
I have done what I do not normally do, let alone imagine I would.
And what I have done would be irreversible, even incomprehensible for a person with an ego like mine.

But I could not care less.
What has to be said has to be said.

What needs to be done cannot wait any longer.

For the sake of my sanity, I will have to pull it through.

And there could be only 2 results:

Love, or, hate.

Am I going nuts?

Lyrics to That Song

2009-05-19T14:03:00.000+08:00

And if your speakers were not working, or the streaming media's a pain in the butt, the lyrics are here:

Before The Next Teardrop Falls

If he brings you happiness
Then i wish you all the best
It's your happiness that matters most of all
But if he ever breaks your heart
If the teardrops ever start
I'll be there before the next teardrop falls

Si te quire de verdad
Y te da felicidad
Te deseo lo mas bueno pa'los dos
Pero si te hace llorar
A mime puedes hablar
Y estare contigo cuando treste estas

I'll be there anytime
You need me by your side
To drive away every teardrop that you cried

And if he ever leaves you blue
Just remember, I love you
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls

Before the Next Teardrop Falls

2009-05-19T13:59:00.000+08:00

For someone who hardly cries, just pay attention to the lyrics... :)

Before the Next Teardrop Falls - Freddy Fender

How Many More 12s?

2009-05-19T09:53:00.000+08:00

I posted in FB a while ago the following equation:

12 = 4,380 = 105,120 = 6,307,200.

Only 1 of my friends could figure "6,000,000 odd" meant a long sheep count, that "Even the Devil would be bored"...

Ah, well...

We have our own numbers.

Some love the sight of an 8, others 9.

Like most of the people I know, I personally prefer 7, I somehow feel a kind of attachment to this digit.

But "12" will remain a special number to me.

Nope, it's not the total number of men on the field for a football team (plus the Manager-la!)...

It is not my best personal trait being religious, so neither am I referring to the number of disciples The Great Teacher once had.

And to bet that I am speaking of the face of a time-piece for having the same amount of numbers on it would mean you're buying me dinner.

"12" actually would mean to me cherishable, worthwhile, loyalty, strength, companionship, adversity, unconventional, steadfastness, unspoken understanding...

And the only power to pull all these together could be nothing greater than the power of love.

The countdown lapses every 12.
Mine has started again.

So, what's your favourite number?

"Sunday, Bloody Sunday"...

2009-05-18T11:21:00.000+08:00

I know it's Monday already, but what the heck is with the title?
It's been one helluva Sunday, that's why...

Sundays come in many different "settings", "fonts" & "wallpaper"...

For some, it's the day that religious piety is on public display, filial piety with a brunch of dim sum, good home-making skills with a small spring cleaning, etc...

But for others, it would be the day that is best spent alone, running that over-due errant or just simply in front of the idiot box...

However, for me, 17th May 2009 would most probably be written in my books as the day of the awakening.

For the cat's out of the bag, Pandora's box is opened & the sh*t has hit the fan.

Choices we make dictate how we end up, whether good or bad.
There isn't much of a choice after that to like it or not, because in the beginning, the question of whether we would like it was never asked.

Neither were there any guarantee nor "satisfaction-assured" clause that came with the package.

And what a package it would be, for now we know; once in, we can never look back...
Not even when the alternative option presents itself to do so.

It's true when people say: "You can't turn back time to undo what you have done"...

But then again, if the watch does not any longer fit or run according to its intended purpose of existence, I would feel it befits to get something more reliable, not necessarily a new one & walk on.

Rather than have the piece of "time-telling" equipment fail on me & put me in a situation to regret & feel sorry...

And to feel sorry for the next 12 years will be quite an unbearable pain...

What would you do?

Freedom, More of a State of Mind...

2009-05-16T16:12:00.000+08:00

Today is a non-working Saturday, being a 2nd weekend.

Usually it would mean that I would be away from the keyboard till the next working day, since I do not fancy being hooked onto anything, except my mobile phone, till then.

Like many others, I'd love to have the ocassional peace & quiet.
But does that mean I am free to do anything I want or go anywhere I like or meet whomever I choose to?

Commitments here & responsibilities there dictate my choices.
So much so that they appear to strangle the very liberty of my being.

I don't seem to be able to do what I really want, go where I'd really want to go or enjoy meeting anyone whom I choose.
Not without paying a certain price.

Just the very motion that I can do certain things without having to worry about repercussions seem so alien to me, conscious or sub-consciously.

I may appear to be one that exudes many qualities & have been described many others as well...

But somehow, freedom eludes me.

I need my space, I want my share of the air, I feel exhausted & I know I am choking...
And I know, it's not a luxury of choice.

What say you?

Again, Thank God It's What Day?

2009-05-15T12:00:00.000+08:00

Cold-start morning...
Weekend-to-be drivers...
Monthly Sales Meeting...

Which of the following would be the ideal way to start your day?

What about all of the above?

And surviving them all with a smile on the face.

Today is a historic day for me.
15th May 2009 will go down in the books of History as one of the most symbolic days of my life.

It is today that we would see the acceptance of others towards what we've been striving to achieve, no matter how long the journey, we would be taking it with our heads held high.

It is today also that the testimony of how the level of friendship & brother (& sister)hood has been stretched to bring about the happening of the evening.

And it is today that some people will see the difference between boys & men.

Where most people see separation, we see unity in diversity.
Where most expect failure, we define success with our own dictionary.
Where most will turn away, we hold out our hands & say "Join Us!"

Because in the end, we are all just a piece of our own history...

Do you have your own historic moment?

Angels or Demons?

2009-05-14T15:05:00.001+08:00

And nope, this is not the preview to a certain Blockbuster Movie going on-screen anytime soon.

Far from it.
This is real-life, not fiction.

And to see that this is my second posting in here for today should prove that it's worth a mention...

We see angels as beings with a god-like appearance, fairy-type nice little cute "people".
The closest "resemblance" that we can imagine of an angel is probably the winged beautiful man or woman we see in paintings from the Rennaisance period or the little white thing with wings and a halo hanging from our Christmas Tree.

Angels in real life are far from these pretty pictures...

They may come in any form, likings or behaviour.
However, to truly earn this title, it's more than just a nickname in a forum or an ID in the msn.

The next time somebody gives up a portion of their lives, i.e.: their time, their happiness, their share of the pie, their only available slot of the day for their own use just to be with you to take some of your troubles away; you can proudly say that you have been touched by an angel.

So, remember: angels are real.

Mine smokes, swears, drinks, complaints about close to almost everything, has a "pretty" bad temper (no! not looking pretty while throwing a temper!), gets angry at me! but is fast to forgive...
Lets' just say that the list of better qualities are longer.

She keeps saying that she's just a demon in an angel's disguise, but I'd say she is trying to make herself look like a demon & failing terribly at it...

Lucky me.
I have an angel.

Tell me about yours.

Familiar Face?

2009-05-14T09:40:00.000+08:00

The May Issue of ExtremeKARS printed a write-up & photographs of the Sept 28th 2008 excursion of my "previously actively involved" car club; TeamCity, to Seremban.

Since I organised it, I called it "Seremban 928 Jalan Jalan Cari Makan Trip"...

I could still recall all the anxiety & effort involved into making this trip such a success.
It was indeed a great experience.

Eventhough long over-due, the magazine gave a close & precise coverage, eventhough simple, of the Event.

My buddy & TeamCity mates from Sban should also get credit for this coverage.

And this appearance in the magazine is my 2nd, but it's the 1st to ever see my name printed...

What a moment.

And I finally bought a copy yesterday at a news stand.

Here I was, looking at the page of the coverage to make sure I did not get the wrong copy while the stand owner looked at me.

"Hey, that's you" he said...

"Yup, that's me, with my name on it. Since my name & picture are in this mag, do I get this issue FREE?"...

Haha... tough luck...

Merely trying to make conversation & probably be able to make away with a free copy, but nice try I guess...

Wouldn't you have done the same?

2009-05-13T15:59:00.000+08:00

On MC today...
Post-traumatic depression?

Need to find the space to look for that peace of mind...

I read somewhere that:

"Love is giving the power to someone to destroy you, and trusting that they won't"...

Good one.

What is love?
Where do we find it?
What say you?

Wow... what an effort...

2009-05-12T16:47:00.000+08:00

After like, almost 10 months, here I am again...

Still brain-drained, dunno what to write.
But also, coz something big is happening soon, so busy preparing for it.

However, the joy of having great people as brothers & sisters means there still so much to look forward to.

Watch this space...

First Day Blogger...

2008-07-16T17:41:00.000+08:00

Today, I begin the 1st step towards the one thing I have always wanted to have: my own blog.

It's not such a difficult thing to do, setting up a blog account.
Having seen the impact of succesful bloggers with posts that, to some extend, change lives, I for one would like to have that kind of influence for an impact.

I wouldn't consider myself to be a person of much patience, let alone be persuant of an idea enough to write it down in a daily journal. I am not one with the privilege of having much spare time to even call home to say Hi to my parents, let alone sit in front of my notebook blogging.
As such, I truly do not know if this blog of mine will last.
However, 1 thing I do believe is that, as long as the topic is still interesting to others (of course firstly it'll have to interest me), I'll keep sharing it.

So, good luck to me.
Welcome to my blog.